Good morning doctor

by jon laa on May 24th, 2010

I guess I’m semi-pleased we are having a public holiday coming up on the last friday of the month. It gives me time to make some food preparation for sn, whom I just met two days back for junk food.

Unfortunately my muffins plan totally failed. I threw all the batter away with all the blueberries inside. I should have washed the batter away and save the berries - damn it!

Feeling really tired. There are times when life seems to be such a complicated chess game I wouldn’t know what would be the result of an accidental impulsion or whatever not.

But I wouldn’t live with foreign, unknown boundaries. I guess it’s a go-ahead.

:)

Drifting men

by jon laa on May 19th, 2010

I think I can hardly believe that people actually are that pretentious, be it conscious or subconscious. Like pretending to be busy when a superior is around, it could be coincidental of course. But more like subconscious, I so believe.

There are times when I’ve finished my work and I attempt to help others. There are also times when I’ve finished my work and decide to do nothing at all. There are also definitely times when I’ve work to do, which I choose to leave it to others. Of course nobody always help me, I realised.

Then there are times when we’ve activities planned, to go gym or whatsoever. But we always never did go together aside from the very first time. It takes effort to break out of work to find time to exercise, a privilege we have a right to. Most people choose to stay around doing nothing, making themselves open targets for people to allocate work to - what the fuck, seriously.

I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want to rest, idle or laze elsewhere. I can’t understand also why they wouldn’t want to leave office especially when they’ve to change to the appropriate attire anyways.

Urgh, guess there are too many things about society I don’t understand. Guess there are certain social skills I don’t come endowed with.

One thing I’m sure of, however, is I live my own life. Even if that means going to gym alone.

:)

Make things happen, so he says.

Old gyming days

by jon laa on May 18th, 2010

Back to the gym after a long hiatus. Of course I was here a few weeks ago but it’s difficult to keep to a routine, to make an effort to come.

It’s pretty therapeutic somehow. And I’m still gonna consider my marathon, cos I really want to do something. I think starting off with static and swimming is a good start. Like getting my core muscles in shape or whatever not.

And of course it helps singing.

Urgh, life’s so confusing. I wanna sleep.

The right company

by jon laa on May 13th, 2010

I don’t see the point of continuing with a half-written and forgotten entry. There’s just this state-of-mind that I can’t step back into, that makes it pointless for me to go on writing.

It’s really difficult to get a new home for bailey, there’s no doubt about it. I realised most people today don’t practise delayed gratification anymore. That, in my opinion, is rather upsetting. I don’t know why either.

Quite often I wonder what will happen when bailey goes elsewhere. If she’ll become part of the family, if she’ll be just an ornament within the house.

I think there’s so much more to bailey than a dog. I can’t really put everything she was in words. Moving on seems fine. I never quite missed bailey when I was away in a far away island. There are times I thought of her but I never quite felt quite different to not see her daily.

Unfortunately, she didn’t quite feel the same.

Fortunately, I wasn’t as emotionally detached from her as how I thought myself to be.

There are some things I’m thankful for. I’m thankful she’s been there through many dark period and I’m thankful she thought me what emotions really are. I wouldn’t deny she redefined my perception and concept of love. And there’s so much more she brought into my life I can’t explain.

I’m absolutely sorry I’ve to give her away. And too often I can’t stop myself from hating myself from being trapped into such a situation.

To be honest, I can’t deal with this.

Moving on backwards

by jon laa on May 12th, 2010

There is always the question about what we want in life and responsibility. Like how do you draw a line to which what I want ends and what others want of me begin? In any case, when nobody accepts you for who you are, or what you chose to be, it doesn’t matter anymore - there will be misery regardless where in the spectrum you put yourself on.

Of course I wish I could be more dynamic in my pursue of wealth and tangible cash. Now that it isn’t going to happen, the next best thing is death.

They come and tell me the flip side of everything I’ve decided on. They’ve grown so conventional and normal that I don’t even think there’s anything more to life then mundane day-to-day routines. They draw boundaries to kill, to leave me with nothing beyond the flesh.

Look, I never not know what I wanted out of life till now.

And since I’m undecided, I think it is best to do anything - a compromise that satisfies nobody.

Now, welcome to my life again.

Dearest bailey

by jon laa on May 8th, 2010

there are times when i would wonder if you would ever forgive me for those nights i never come back. and for this period of time i chose to avoid you because i wanted your departure to be a lesser emotional one.

unfortunately i know you are still waiting for me and you’ll probably never stop waiting, which probably pains my heart to know how much it pains yours.

but humans as humans are suckers will forget you and move on with life. even though for a temporal period of time they may shed countless tears. but you know, i am so glad you were to make me realised and learnt so much i wouldn’t have without you.

and it really upsets me that i couldn’t do more to help you or reassure myself you’ll be in better hands. i don’t know. i find myself bringing inconvenience to so many people because i’m so insecure about all your prospective owners. i’m so worried one day i’ll see you in physical torment, that i’ll probably never forgive myself for.

i’m sorry bailey.

and you know i love you the way i wouldn’t have loved anybody else.

In your eyes

by jon laa on May 2nd, 2010

Dad wants me to go home, I can see that. I am home, but not in the home they are living in.

I’ve moved.

I left bailey behind. I left whatever I didn’t need behind.

Dramatic, seems like it.

But days are awesome, are carefree. Being alone floats my boat.

Nonetheless, I miss my grandpa. Like, he’s how adorable. Today he came by. I don’t know if it is to see me or to see the new flat. I appreciate it though.

I think I am so tired I could, like, you-know-what.

Moving on, this is life.

:)

There are some bread in the oven and some sweet potatoes. I’ve left over pasta - I made a two-person serving but the other person decided against eating. No more pesto though. I think I am going to buy a pot of basil and see if it works out in the new place. There is no sun and that sucks. I bought a mini pot already, it’s back at the old home.

Finding life

by jon laa on May 1st, 2010

I think what my dad is trying to learn this year is contentment. In fact, I think he’s doing a damn good job at it. In that sense, I think he is holding everybody in the family, which is not a lot of people, together.

One thing I never understood is how they found the capacity to live. Maybe having eight siblings each, with one dead, helps elevate their capacity to love to another level.

One other thing I never understood is poverty. In fact, I don’t think I ever will. Neither do I think most of you people out there will. It’s kinda strange, no?

And so we’ve been apartment-shopping. Dad found an apartment he kinda really liked, which mum and I have our reservations about. It’s really difficult to decide. Dad will choose a more prime location, out of city, to a less prime location with an awesome view. On the other hand, I’ll pay more for an awesome view at a less prime location. It may not be the most wise thing to do when it comes to stretching the dollar and looking at a prospective investment but if I am going to stay in it, it better has a nice view.

Than just some pink-coloured blocks opposite.

Like, which idiot paints the exterior of a condominium pink? Xiaxue.