Doodling pleasure

by jon laa on March 28th, 2010

I think the truth is there are some people I love too much. I want them to go away because I know they aren’t agreeable with what I do, because it annoys and irritates them. They don’t have the patience for me. I affect their mood and I make them annoyed, irritated, by being who I am. These are the people whom I want to see move on in life without me. Because I know one day I will see them around with their achievements and I’ll be just as happy to know they’ve been there without me.

Then I flipped through old pictures and I realised how much I missed those days. It was not about how many friends I had then, or how popular I was. Nobody liked me, nobody really liked me anyways. But it was that I could be who I was. I could live my life without anybody faulting me, or picking on me. There wasn’t a need for change - I am respected for who I am. They know I do something because I am somebody - myself.

Defining spaces

by jon laa on March 27th, 2010

Bailey may be going to a good home. It seems like a particular friend is interested in her, they have a golden and a beagle already though. The only downside is that she will be kept outdoors and I wouldn’t know how she would take being kept away from humans. Oh well.

Then there are other considerations, tsk!

The truth is…

by jon laa on March 26th, 2010

I never loved a person more than them two. In retrospect, the former was almost an obsession then.

The latter was better. But still, I can’t seem to take my mind off it.

The irony is, I wasn’t exactly hurt. I don’t think I was at all, especially when things sour. But I think there was a lot of difficulties in letting go. I can’t let them go.

Boooo!

Then nice people came by. One who will go all out for me, and everybody significant enough, as if it was the most natural thing to do. Most certainly, we need more of such people. It is such people who make me feel awful about myself, and how much I have fallen from the awesome guy I once was.

And of course the rest of the nice people were just out to satisfy themselves one way or another.

I’m tired already la

by jon laa on March 26th, 2010

I can’t emphasize how tired I am. I am tired of life and I am tired of living. There are times when I look around and I realised there’s nothing worth holding to. I know I am fine, I am not mad. I am not yet crazy.

But there isn’t a doubt that the society and I isn’t a complete fit. I don’t intend to make it to become one.

There are times I look back and forward and realised there’s nothing I have to fear, besides a premature death, because everything is somewhat made perfect. Made perfect by whom I am born into.

Le sigh.

Don’t die, don’t die just yet.

Maybe not

by jon laa on March 26th, 2010

Guess I’ve been indeed indecisive. I may not have noticed if sn didn’t point it out.

Then somebody pointed out to me that my unexplained emotional exhaustion could be due to some sort of psychiatry issues. Thank you, I couldn’t have remembered if you didn’t point it out.

Bailey has to go. I don’t know if I am affected by it or not. But I think it did help a lot that my folks made it darn clear way early. But they should also know I will get an animal home, if not a labrador. Done with tears and done with all the emotional bit. I’m isolating myself, emotionally, from her because I know she’s going to go.

And she’s taking it well.

It’s quite taxing. I can’t wait to move. I can’t wait to rehome bailey. The first thing I do the day I rehome her would be to pack and I’ll be off to the new place on the second day. I’m really tired of staying here and I’m really tired of having to deal with uncertainties.

The fact that I have seen the lady bring different people in to view the place makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Trading a place where I’ve given two decades of my life to, the only place I have to return to, for a substantial amount of money seems very superficial, materialistic.

But it’s not a place I would call home, anyways.

Nonetheless, memories.

I can still remember my first two rabbits. I can still remember the hamsters my cousin brought home. I can still remember the hamsters I brought home. I can still remember the hamster hunt. I can still remember the bee hives, snakes and lizards which I conveniently capture to attempt to domesticate them. I can still remember the mango tree. I can still remember the huge pond and huge kois. I can still remember our discuses and their babies, and how none of them ever made it past infancy. I can still remember the angels, who did better than discuses, and made it to adulthood. I remember the goldfishes and their many babies. I can remember the guppies and mollies we had, the planted aquarium. I can remember the lotus, water lilies and gerberas. I can still remember we once had a lot of lilies. I can remember rolling down the stairs. I can remember locking myself in the kitchen because I refused to let anybody witness my medicine-taking agony. I remember this is where my life began.

:)

Better days, I am sure, will come. It’s going to be my own home after all. And I hope I wouldn’t move out and ditch my parents. But you do know I love staying alone right?

:)

Dear Lord

by jon laa on March 19th, 2010

The aunt signed a contract to sell the house for a great deal of money.

The other property agent we contacted is in the process of getting a tenant for us. The tenant-to-be has plans to bring a contractor over, because part of the deal is to get the house renovated.

I am sure there are plenty of confusion here, and unhappiness.

:)

And sometimes it feels like keeping the house may be a good idea. It’s an asset and it’s some sort of prestige - a golden hen.

I’m quite sure selling the house would put all family problems to an end, but I don’t quite like it now. I like the idea that we can have a few thousand in rental every month. I like the idea that after getting that lot of money, we can still sell it for another great sum of money.

Goodness gracious.

:)

Greed, isn’t it?

Bidding farewells

by jon laa on March 18th, 2010

Back to bidding farewells and whatever not. It’s such an easy way out. Just wave goodbye and keep a person out of my being. Part of my conservation plan to save emotions and sanity.

I do feel that people should take responsibility for text/instant messages received. It’s somewhat warped for people to think they can ignore messages received. There is an intention behind messages sent and ignoring each message is as good as having no respect for the sender.

If I don’t get ny desired response all the time, if I even get one at all, I must as well don’t bother to send those messages right? It’s such waste of time, thoughts and whatever not. And it contributes to a building up on frustration, probably fuels impatience as well.

Then I guess it’s better for me to walk a mile back and keep my distance. If you’d like to nake a difference, walk that mile. I’m tired of being proactive and tired of trying. There isn’t a point for one-way streets.

Guess I’m turning wiser and more cynical. Dio!

Dearest memory lane

by jon laa on March 13th, 2010

I looked back into you and thought I could go rewrite some of the less than ideal chapters. But it seems like it didn’t work out. The setting was somewhat similar though the time and characters have been altered. The better changes didn’t make a difference, however.

But I am sure that gave me what I needed to know. I now know that we didn’t work and will probably not work well as a team. It’s good to give others a second chance, because it is only then you know for sure. Maybe a third chance is necessary to be sure but I don’t think there’s a need for such trouble.

It’s the weekends again and they’re ending again. The nose refuses to behave and the left ear is itching really badly.

Damn it, okay?

Met marcus

by jon laa on March 12th, 2010

Bad alliteration, I know.

Meet up was good. Lots of sharing of opinion on people we know. I don’t think it was a bitching session. It was too kind to be one. Funny how many years I’ve spent with him around without realising him being around. It’s funny.

And I know if I look through my list of contacts in my phone list, I wouldn’t find a constant. And that, in my opinion, is very depressing.

Gah.

Gah!

Great is Thy faithfulness

by jon laa on March 7th, 2010

Gah.

Didn’t write during the sermon because I felt I should not. There are things I should be paying attention to but I’m afraid I don’t remember them. I don’t even know what was his theme this morning.

I did remember listening to the love bit.

And it reminded me how far I’ve come to grow to some complicated sinner.

It’s always better to be dumb, I think I should quit reading. It’s not, never good to know too much.

Got attacked by a stupid crow. It scratched my head thrice while I was waiting to cross the road. The man around me went, “did that thing just come for your head?” I replied him while hurrying across the road.

Damn annoying. I’ve a phobia of open skies now.

But either way, things got better later. Like singing and stuff. Gotta appreciate it. It was a pleasant surprise.

Oh well, life.