Batok revisited

by jon laa on February 15th, 2010

Back from batok. Didn’t expect myself to do cleaning up today. It was fairly dirty, I guess it’s been a while. The vacuum cleaner kinda sucks cos it’s perpetually low on battery. I think I am going to sleep over for another night to get the whole place tidied up. The bed is awesome.

It’s like having a place of your own, which is awesome.

Enjoyed the whole process of cleaning the place up. I actually mopped the place down and kinda splash the toilet with a little bit of water. Everything feels cleaner.

I think I need to wash all the bowls and plates that are there. There are some that got a little dirty. Pretty disgusting.

Then it was a lot of time with yongyi and I wonder when is the time I’ll formally move in/get started with cooking over there.

I’m just waiting.

The contrasting next day

by jon laa on February 14th, 2010

Turned out that cny reunion dinner was pretty good. I’ve grown to love home-cooked food. There are obviously many places that offer better reunion dinner but many more that provide some overpriced crap. Getting into conversations seems a bit more at ease. It could be because the last gathering was only last dec.

Met yong yi straight after getting our family picture taken. It was food again at those hong kong theme cafe and we left the place slightly past midnight to be treated to an unexpected firework display outside marina square. Did lots of walking, dropped by the temple where yong yi made a quick prayer, then sat down to have quite a long talk session before moving off again.

I’m settled at starbucks while he had gone home, bathed and is probably on his way to some sweet dreams.

Luxury problems, he was saying.

The alcohol pangs

by jon laa on February 13th, 2010

I really didn’t expect the alcohol to set in so strongly. I found myself helpless, broken, which is exactly how I need to feel. It makes me feel alive, makes me renew the realisation that I’m only human.

Forced myself to puke and it was the most unpleasant encounter ever. The first time I puked from excessive drinking, and definitely more than a decade since I last vomitted. To make it worse, the puke came out of my nose and mouth concurrently. I’m sure it has burnt much of my throat and sinus. It didn’t help that there was some more puke trapped within the sinus.

This is probably the sign of a dysfunctional life, and I hope I’ve peaked already.

Good morninig world, may the sun rise to a better morning.

On other issues

by jon laa on February 11th, 2010

Going to get a cup of water before I get back to writing. It’s been a while since I last drank and I can feel the thirst. And I think the lack of water intake is causing me some kind of writing block - damn it!

Back.

I don’t really think it is polite for people to be stepping on my slippers, especially if they have their slippers on. Look, my bare feet is going to be placed on where you rested your filthy footwear.

Then going to put your feet on the edge of my bed and rubbing them against each other completely put me off.

I may have agreed to wake you up but getting you out of bed is not my responsibility - you should know that.

Bleah!

And there is actually this person who expected me to call him on his mobile each time somebody yells for him from downstairs.

If I could hear it loud and hear, you should hear something if not the entire message. Then please stick your ears out. If you can’t, move yourself along with them.

This is the reason why I don’t like what I am currently doing, I feel. The company is less than ideal, really. Most people here are pretty much selfish and strange, maybe different is an more appropriate word.

I didn’t have that problem in that outcast island when I was still there. Everybody was awesome, except for this one person who seem to dislike me. Everywhere I go, somebody dislikes me. I’m used to it. Even with him, I enjoyed myself very much.

My current roommates and the-one-next-door-who-comes-for-fan-services is pretty awesome too, I feel. Maybe I had my reservations about one or two of them previously but they have become history. I enjoy their company now, I’m positive of it.

Been going shopping a lot on their behalf. Like heading to the supermarket just to purchase whatever they would like to have for the day/week. And I completely don’t mind doing it. I know they will appreciate it and I know they don’t ask out of their selfishness. Of course they are disappointed each time I come back missing an item.

It is okay if you don’t thank me, I don’t mind. May be better in fact, better than those who profusely thank me without meaning anything close to it. Detestable.

That’s about what my typical week is like.

And friends are complicated creatures. There are times I’d rather go without them.

I told the counselor the other day I didn’t have a concept of friends until, perhaps, secondary school. And she told me it was normal - children tend not to have them. But I realised it wasn’t just the concept of friends, like the word/definition/label itself. There was nobody I identified with.

There were people I spoke to but I don’t think we share any form of relationship at all. Back then, conversations were a way to either tell others my unhappiness or tell others who I am. It was not communication, definitely not. And it was so until upper secondary.

I don’t even think I spoke to anybody in particular in lower secondary. I probably talked rubbish to all of them.

If you haven’t already realised, engaging in conversations without actually being involved in it is my forte. I guess I just talk because it is normal to. It distracts people from trying to figure out who I am.

It removes potential excessive attention away from me.

Damn it.

Mission failed

by jon laa on February 9th, 2010

It turns out that the psychologist/counsellor was much better than what I was anticipating herself to be. There were some spot on cliche moments which sent me going “eww” in my head but she could snap out of it well and fast.

And so I’m back at work, not doing any work, but feeling miserably tired. It’s been a chore to keep awake and getting some concrete rest even more impossible.

Going to attempt napping. Bet seeing a doctor will be even more draining.

Dying away

by jon laa on February 8th, 2010

Okay. Gonna be at some counsellor/psychologist office tomorrow. They refer me as client, instead of patients, though they’re technically not doctors anyways.

The grand plan is to see a psychiatrist or get some anti depressants at the a&e of wherever is appropriate after the session.

It sounds like a grand plan, really, before I overdose on drugs one day. But I wouldn’t deny that the possibility of me jumping off the building is pretty far fetch.

Damn it!

by jon laa on February 8th, 2010

Back at work after a medical appointment feeling all unwell. May be psychological. I’ve been spending too much time staring at this new old gadget that my eyes are obviously dying on me. It doesn’t help that there are that many buttons.

More appointments to come, I’m already starting to feel the chore of having to travel out so often - four times this week - and I more than definitely need some kind of consistency. Tsk tsk.

Gonna take a self-allocated break. Most of my team mates are at some lecture, talk which doesn’t concern me. I hope nobody catches me skiving away.

/evil grins.

Dosage of family & love

by jon laa on February 6th, 2010

I remembered I kinda teared at a thought of something I cannot really remember. But it was a lot to do with family, home and it doesn’t involve death.

Back home and gave a few shots at the keyboard, I don’t think it’s working out per se. I need direction, of course. Fs and Gs are a lot prettier than F#s and G#s, I don’t know why. Es, like since forever, are ugly.

Did take the advice to cover my ears so you hear what’s going on inside and you internalise the singing process. It kinda works. I hear better, I hear what goes wrong a lot louder than if I were to uncover my ears. I hear a lot less, but I can hear what is important better, which makes listening easier.

:)

In desperation, I sang into the pillow with my ears covered when nobody was around last night. It was some what therapeutic. I like the idea of being able to sing when I feel like it though I don’t like the idea of having to hide it. In this situation, I’d rather hide. Goes without saying.

It should be getting better.

Gonna have a dosage of my uncle later, I think it will help.

The concept of self

by jon laa on February 4th, 2010

Bleah.

People who are too self-conscious, e.g. myself and probably michelle, probably don’t function well in performing arts.

I think most successful performers let things happen while some exert moderate influence over what is happening/will happen. But I’m attempting to make things happen, which seems to be the most natural thing to do, inculcated approach-to-life in me.

Maybe that’s why asians make good employees. We have problems doing nothing.

And we don’t believe things happen by itself, though they often do.

Bleah.

The whole emphasis on the need to emit self in caesari’s books was pretty much of an awakening - be it in music or faith. Maybe that’s why God has been, um, faithful in my senseless pursuits.

Because be it in music or faith, I need to let go. Of which I still fail miserably at.

Tsk tsk.

Bringing caesari with me to work, I hope he speaks more to me. It’s amazing how much influence you can exert when you’re dead, caesari. Though I secretly think people only started to listen to you more after you’ve died.

Morbid.

Back home at midweek

by jon laa on February 3rd, 2010

Back home and I’ll have to be back tomorrow for another two days before I get back again. It isn’t a bad deal, really.

Then next week should really really hectic in a pleasant way, like appointment-intensive.

I’ve been penning many thoughts in my head and it’s a pity I never want to write them down. I suppose I should be writing them down, there are people who deserve to know. But at the end of the day, I can’t come to terms with what they are. I’m pressing on to the hope that it’ll all come to pass away and I wouldn’t have to deal with it any longer.

Too optimistic, sometimes. Never woke up to a better day, never. And it seems that those lies I told myself yesterday didn’t quite work out, it’s still the same shit.

:)

Been seeing people - just two actually - doodling on public transportation and it’s kinda encouraging to know there are people who take effort to put their inspirations-for-the-moment into potential everlasting art works. Feels, um, different.

The books arrived and reading it has been pretty enlightening I suppose. Like conflicting school of thoughts and having to process and understand them. I’m sure they’re all bias sources but I’ve already decided what I want to adhere to anyways. Gonna try to work something out, I hope. It’s quite strange how I naively thought it’s possible that every conflicting school of thought can somewhat come together to form some kind of unique synthesis. Like using the pros of each to build a picture perfect. Damn wrong I was.

And surprisingly, the book kinda answered the question I didn’t have an answer to. Decisions that are difficult to make is somewhat made easy to make. Brilliant. And these reference books are amazing, pity there aren’t more of them around - plenty are already out of print.

Bb was in store today. Extremely strange, really. I didn’t expect it to come that easily and I didn’t imagine myself having one that readily. I need to work harder I suppose. Feels like I should go back to vocalises all over again and drop all the pieces for the time being. No, I need to allocate more time to vocalises than whatever pieces I’m doing. I feel like I’m developing but I feel that it’d make more sense if I put in some effort to beautify every note through my range.

:)