In thy arms

by jon laa on January 30th, 2010

Letting go isn’t that easy. It’s always about self-achievement and making a difference. Maybe we’re all too obsessed with our fight for selves that we forget about the many other dimensions of life. Perhaps those who seem rather apathetic, who don’t seem to be fighting or be at all affected, are the ones who are more right than us.

But I can’t stand them, anyways.

This morning was uncalled for. I don’t think God was there. Neither did I think God was pleased with me yesterday, but I did it nonetheless. I value so much of my own time, my own freedom, my own dreams, aspirations and ideals that we forgot about being part of something else. Logic is evidently absent, but life isn’t all that logic most of the time.

Pieta signore sounds as bad as you can ever imagine it to be.

I need help.

It seems that security is a bigger issue these days, it’s really the piecing everything up and together stage. More time, I need more time.

Gotta work that out, we’ll see.

Frustration beyond comprehension

by jon laa on January 28th, 2010

Okay, so there’re really big issues when it comes to decent practice time. Pretty fed up over it but I’m sure it’ll work itself out eventually. Because there’s always God.

Either way, I realised open exchanges of nasty comments can really help each other build a more truthful impression of each other. I’m sure it’s more honest and whatever comes later is really whatever that will come later.

Like look, I don’t really think much of you. Like how you think nothing of me.

By the way, I haven’t managed to fix the previous issue. The break free part. Pretty frustrating as well.

Everything is going on a downward spiral probably because of great expectations and asking way too much. It’s starting to work itself out and away because I kinda have a few epiphanies of sorts. I realised, with given time, there’re a lot of things that are good to have but may be better to go without. Difficult to explain, really.

Goodness in excessive quantities may not be that ideal after all.

Pieta signore

by jon laa on January 24th, 2010

And so those who read my blog via rss feeds would have noticed I deleted my previous entry with the same title. Eh, you are actually wrong. I deleted the entry and am going to rewrite an entry with the same title.

:)

Okay.

I said I was confused, like lost. And to summarise what I wanted to say, I was too weak to break free.

Guess God is amazing so I am going to wait and see what happens. It’s always amazing because something actually happens when you do completely nothing, which is better than doing something then to realise it is not that ideal much later. Move, only when God insists. I wouldn’t even use the word permit.

Figured I should pray more. Prayers have been inconsistent, I don’t remember if I have been praying everyday, or if I did pray yesterday, which made my attempts to chart them down pretty, um, difficult. And so I think I should dedicate my mornings to prayers. And nights too.

It’s part of inculcating discipline. Never mind if God isn’t real.

I’m sure you’d have also known by now that talking about things is suppose to help one’s psychological health - doesn’t matter who you talk to.

Didn’t have lesson with jar this week.

Pieta signore is becoming more manageable. I could get pass a few bars or phrases without having to stop. It was annoying when I had to stop every word or so. Tsk. It may be good training, I think. Better than dalla sua pace perhaps. Dalla sua pace is not that ideal, even though it seem to fit the voice fine, because it sits in the higher register and it’s been rather thin, feeble. Probably the result of holding my voice up. I don’t know how to put it down so I guess I shouldn’t continue with it.

Building the upper register from the bottom may be a better idea. Pieta signore spans a range ideal enough for me to work now.

:)

The rewritten entry still sounds wrong but I am giving it up anyways. No time to waste, good day!

By the way, I was reading an ebook about the old italian school of singing and it was pretty cool. Gave it some thought and try out some of the stuff and it’s quite amazing too. By the way, I think it shoulld be italian old school of singing right?

The pursuit of happiness

by jon laa on January 23rd, 2010

Maybe what we’re all fighting for is happiness. There are times I try to strike conversations with my parents because I feel like I am in the mood for it. Making senseless comments which I am sure will brighten up their day a fair bit. It’s a one-way street, I don’t enjoy receiving senseless comments.

There’s this whole talk about overseas education, where I should go and whatever not. I’d want to go somewhere completely new, wherever it may be, and start a new life of sorts. There’s too much baggage to carry, I want to leave them all behind and start anew somewhere far away.

Linda is in germany and I really like the idea of going to a country that speaks a different language sans japan. Then aunt was asking if I am planning to go italy and whatever not. I have no plans, really. In fact, I don’t even know if I want to study immediately after I am done with my obligatory employment. The cousin is planning to go manchester and I don’t think I want to go there, at least not now.

Okay, so I am doing my own readings of sorts now. I realised how expensive richard miller books are/can be, which is pretty appalling, upsetting. Did a whole lot of shopping at open trolley and I must say I can’t wait for my books to arrive even if it’s just four. Did some reading on music in italy, the old school technique and whatever not - it was inspiring and enriching to say the least.

Expecting four books in the mail, I can’t wait.

:)

And I think I am going to get some scores once I get enough money. Heh.

ETA: meeting up with miao ling was awesome, even though dinner was less than pleasing. I think we should have gone to somewhere quieter. Didn’t enjoy myself with all the crowds and whatever not, could be better. I realised we haven’t spend enough time together, in terms of quality time. Didn’t talk much about ourselves and our conversations were pretty sparse compared to the concrete hours we would have at holland village where muffin flies. Of course we laughed over stupid things, that’s part of meeting up.

Bummed into sean and we both gave each other extended stares. Period.

The annoying home

by jon laa on January 23rd, 2010

If not because of bailey, I’d move out long ago.

Fuck them, fuck him.

Unaddressed complications

by jon laa on January 23rd, 2010

It is probably about time we address our differences. I don’t understand what is keeping us together, our minute common backgrounds? Each time we spend some time together, it feels like we’re drifting apart even more. The differences between each of us are stark, so stark that we’re to each other weird, strange and alien.

Pity.

Maybe we’ve been spending too much time of the week together. I’m not sure if we’d ever come to a compromise. Our conflicting personalities and approaches to life made compromising an issue. And I know it will never a come a time we’d address this. There wouldn’t be an amicable farewell, there wouldn’t be our last goodbye.

The pain will trickle on.

And so boys night out was a complete disaster. Everybody was pretty laid-back and it’s completely not my shopping style. I don’t think you need to be interested in something to be able to shop? The whole point of going out to the city, town, to browse through what life has to offer, is to be able to keep an open mind and let what is around immerse us. Maybe not. Maybe men are not meant for shopping at all.

The least, basic shopping pace should be double-quick pace okay? No feet dragging.

Then met jeriel for drinks, got cheated somewhat. Dragged him to mustafa, which he has never been to/heard of before. Bought a mattress and hogged it back to little india in hope of a night rider. Found their services to have ended and ended cabbing back to batok. It’s amazing that the twelve hours I spend with him was awesome compared to the three hours I spent with the boys which was somewhat a mix of dreariness and loneliness.

Meeting ml in the evening, can’t wait.

“cant wait”

Miss Dentist

by jon laa on January 17th, 2010

:)

Didn’t have the best time at the dentist but I am glad she wasn’t terribly demanding. They (the nurse and the dentist) tried to do a little talking and gave me breaks to recover myself from the fanatic arm-waving. Pretty hilarious, in my opinion. I was already ready to brush her away from me.

Tsk tsk. The horrors of sensitive teeth, which they told me was due to the bad condition of my gums.

Either way, the gums still hurt. Flossed violently and there was a hell lot of food, and blood. I didn’t know I had to floss that much. The gap between my wisdom tooth and molar is causing me a lot of pain because of all the food that get stuck inside, which wouldn’t leave no matter how hard, regularly I brush my teeth.

:)

Gotta go, running slightly late.

Because God provideth

by jon laa on January 17th, 2010

I think am quite sure God works in so many ways we don’t see, know and understand. That works somewhat great because everything turns out pleasant at the end of the day, so I believe.

Looked through some universities I may be interested to enter and there are actually a lot to look at. I’m not sure what I am looking for, unfortunately. But I think God may be trying to interfere with that, especially when I’m starting to evaluate my options in a different light.

And I’ve been having awesome conversations of sorts with michelle. Then again, they’re barely considered conversations because she hardly replies. Please note that down. I wanted to ask you about edward but I didn’t have the opportunity and memory to remember, will try harder next time.

Everybody has been rather emo, I think. There has been an influx of family pictures - from past to present - uploaded on facebook and a lot of interaction which never existed before facebook came into the picture. Maybe technology did change things and made it easier for us to approach each other, but I realised the departure of a cousin, soon to be two, has somewhat impacted the family a little. There are questions, concerns, sometimes unnecessary, which demonstrates what I cannot put in words.

The week begins again and I am determined to make something happen. I’ve started a reading program of sorts, I really think the idea of a reading log is terrible but the idea of consciously putting in effort to read regularly isn’t. And so, I’d really like to read 52 books this year. Been working on it. Didn’t have time to head to the library during its opening hours and most of the books I wanted are borrowed already, so I’d make do with what I have - I still have three unread books.

In my attempts to make my time less futile, I’m bringing in a guide to sight-singing to work. Planning to work on rhythm only, and maybe some sight-singing if I am in the mood for it. Got a few academic books about music and singing I haven’t gotten down to read/read in detail, which I plan to soon enough. I figured sight-reading stands a higher priority. It comes with 160 exercises and I’m hoping to work on rhythm through the entire book in two months, and probably another two for pitch. And there are two other sight-singing books I’d like to get through.

:)

In plan is also to finish reading twenty-four arias in twenty-four weeks.

Many plans in place. The moleskin is doing a good job in keeping down such records. I really hope I wouldn’t fail though, it’ll suck really bad. It’s about time I get things going.

By the way, the first time I used the sight-singing book was 2007. It’s been two years and I’m still at it. Oh Dio!

Gayness

by jon laa on January 16th, 2010

I can’t put what I’d like to say into words because this week has been rather overwhelming.

And I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, one of the room mates stole from another room mate. It was not even something valuable, I can’t understand.

I think God spoke too. There was this excessive prayer and I think there are some answers. Damn it. I wouldn’t say it’s painful but it’s pretty confusing. It is pretty clear but not as clear as what I was expecting. But for the least, it was constructive - duh.

:)

Block nose has completely killed my voice. I can feel the wire gauze forming up again. It’s terrible because the air can be so dry over there. Le sigh.

In dreary times

by jon laa on January 10th, 2010

Gathering was good. Guess it was predestined we (w & I) shouldn’t have met up. Food was average but the companion was surprisingly awesome. Lots of awesome conversations, some more mundane than others. Did speak my heart out, exchanged perspectives and learnt a lot more about others within the blood line.

There was music talk, which could be better. Didn’t manage to speak to advisor who seems busy with more important conversations, which I believe revolved about child-raising. Didn’t disturb that. The rest was about singing, the techniques and approaches, concepts and ideologies. It was the same old talk but pretty refreshing. I had a chance to air my grievance, I am glad it was amicable. Then there was future-talk and silences.

The sisters were awesome company, the usual, and received a pullover and a decent lot of vouchers from them. Pleasant surprise, they shouldn’t have and they already know. I guess they’re successful and remarkable in their own right, and I guess it’s part of their nature to share. Praise be?

:)

Of course my future seems as uncertain as it can be. I’m glad I’ve a diploma, come what may. It’s a safety measure I know I’ll be miserable with. Essential for survival, so it seems.

And the aunt shoved fruits into me and insisted I must have them for being a singer, or somebody who sings. Either way, I decided to comply and finished whatever there was. The other day buddy questioned my aversion towards fruits. There isn’t any explanation. It’s just wet, sugary and not-my-style. Maybe it’s a sign, I’d take note of my fruit eating days and non fruit eating days. I’m sure it’s a better change.

:)

Lesson today was average or above average. I forgot to do my recording - damn it! But at least I felt enlightened? I could feel the difference in sensations and hear the differences in sound. It’s a good change, I’m starting to be aware. Love.

In dreary times, God will provide.