Unestablished hearts

jon laa wrote on November 15th, 2009, 6:21 pm

And so the weekend is ending for real. Few hours more to go before liberation ceases on me once again.

There has been a great desire to sing in an ensemble again. It’s really not so much of the quality of music but it’s more of the exposure and the experience and the happiness, joy of making music that comes together. Most unfortunately, I haven’t been much of a key player in any ensemble I’ve been a part of. It’s not so much of my skills, capabilities or attitude but the personality. I somewhat feel I have been irresponsible - to be exactly - I am irresponsible towards music making.

Either way, I love ensemble music. I love the miracle we all play a part to create, though we here may exclude me altogether. Pity.

I shall talk to them about it and see if I can pop by one of these days. I really don’t see a point in staying if I can’t get pass my own self of being too critical of my own self that I ended up not quite singing. Boo hoo! It’s so much easier to perform solo music, sometimes, because it is only yourself you’re responsible towards.

Did lots of soul-searching of sorts. I wouldn’t know if soul-searching is the right word for what I did. And I figured I shouldn’t embark on anything less than ideal. I don’t live well with substitutes, I realise. Neither do I live well being a follower as much as I am one almost my entire life. I find it too burdensome to lead. I’m still by large an escapist, I don’t like to take responsibilities, I don’t like extra work, I like to be alone and unnoticed. To me, it saves me a lot of unnecessary time wastage.

:)

From there, I conclude I am not going to the states, united kingdom nor canada.

From there, also, I have decided I should attempt to satisfy my academic gratification. I wouldn’t want look back and delude myself with the uncountably if onlys.

Back to more reading, wasting of time.