Detachment

jon laa wrote on May 27th, 2009, 1:35 pm

There’s so much unhappiness at home, between the siblings. The perpetual bickering, argument, loud lopsided arguments gets on me. There barely any agreement, lots of personal attacks. That is what the family is built on, what I never got used to. Full of love of course, but I loathed the degree of compromise and forgiveness the love has to embrace.

I still cannot decide if the folks’ actions are motivated by money. There’s an obsession over it though, obsession over reaping profits and future investment. Both of which are fine, until it boils over.

The emphasis on having money, having enough to tide through life puts me off. For a better life, to completely eradicate poverty, I know already. But when does self actually comes in?

Or is happiness directly proportional to wealth?

One of the downside of being the only child is the difficulty of having to decide if I am the one precious son or the unfortunate accident of the one night when technology failed. And I will like to think myself as the latter, so I have no expectations from whom I was born.

I would also like to think I am contented with what I have. Because we are talking about a family who adequately loves, though highly obsessive and insecure over the certainty of tomorrow, life and death, and a family whose obsession over money and the sufficiency to tide themselves till their last breath is my huge assurance that my downfall or failure in life will never translate to their death or hunger.

The liberating thought that those whom I am born of are by no means dependent on me frees me from the pursuit of material security that binds, and perhaps blinds, them to the delusion of that it is never enough.

I will one day walk out, to find myself in life, perhaps poverty or hunger, because I know I have lived, lived a life worthy of myself and a life worth living. Then by no means can anybody call me an unit of the economy, enslaved by life to the treasury’s figures, or an epsilon proliferated through the bokanovsky process to a non-existent utopia or the utopia never to come.

Nonetheless, through faith, a little imagination and self-comfort, I look beyond these days, weeks, times and difficult days to come into my self-created helm of ideals and perfection because I know God never fails. And when the days of poverty beckons, I shall always be reminded that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.