The pirate at home

by jon laa on November 29th, 2009

I know I want to write but I don’t know what I want to write about.

Been distracted, as usual.

It took me almost half a minute to look for a bottle of chili in the midst of dinner. The container (it’s far bigger than the commercial bottles we get at supermarket) was sitting right in front of my face and I just couldn’t spot it. Looked through the entire fridge and almost concluded we have run out of it. Gah.

Then I couldn’t find my wallet which I remembered taking out of my bag and putting back in (I only took the card for online payments). I searched the entire bag and felt it through, couldn’t find it. Gave up and went to look for it on table, outside the room to no avail. Then I went back to my bag and saw it nicely laid in it - I didn’t even have to search.

Pfft.

I’m willing to work hard (I think). And I actually think I do it when I want to. I doubt I am ever afraid of hardship in that context.

But I realised I can’t take assumptions and sweeping statements. Especially when I am the one in concern.

It puts me off, it robs me of all motivation.

I mean, don’t tell me you know what I am doing. I really think there’s more to what you can see.

Gah.

Duncan is back, can’t wait to meet him though my actions don’t quite reflect that.

Gonna catch a concert next week, I think. Great.

The morning after

by jon laa on November 28th, 2009

And so it was a night alone at this particular pub where I was given a small paper package of condom and lube - an anti-aids campaign of sorts. I gave the person an absurd stare when he stuffed it into my hands without a word. There wasn’t any description on the package to give clues what was inside.

Then hopped over to jazz @ southbridge with tim. Felt all soggy after my margarita at the previous pub and wasn’t in a particular mood to drink. Ordered a mai tai which turned out to be some delicious citrus concoction, which was refreshing, rather than some oriental cocktail I was expecting.

No hangovers. No tiredness even though we stayed up the whole night. But am nursing a gastric for skipping breakfast.

Tim had a pint of san miguel. Pretty sweet, imo.

Left after the band finished the last set and headed to his place to watch a gay movie, which only ended in the morning after sun rose. Tsk.

Feeling all refreshed after staying out for an entire night. Good company, awesome life.

Nonetheless, depressed.

p.s. I think jazz @ southbridge and other such pubs are an awesome place for ear training. I think I shall head down with koh koh one of these days.

Maybe, maybe not

by jon laa on November 27th, 2009

Jokes are pretty hard to decipher. They may be crude, negative and are probably always unpleasant. May be the truth, may be not. May carry subtle messages, if I am not thinking too much.

No matter what it is, I end up getting hurt and discouraged in the process. Um, only when it is at what I care about - which really isn’t a lot.

Feeling down, not because of what he said, but, because what he said is probably reality. And we know reality hurts.

Maybe farouche will understand it best.

It’s been difficult, no doubt. But there’s light. Or there are lights. Dim, distanced light flickering dangerously in the midst of the dark, chilly uncertainty.

Gross.

Moving out next week.

Bailey is going.

I will regret, cry in my sheets.

But that’s life.

Fuck it.

Going away, off, out

by jon laa on November 27th, 2009

Gah.

It comes to a point, I realised, when I should just exit others’ selfishness altogether.

Been too nice, too meek and too difficult to resist. I suppose being kind means being a temptation to the many selfish idiots out in the society who desires to devour you in a single serving.

Then I realised how some opinions are not worth taken into consideration because they are baseless. For that, the source from where such comments surface is of no value to any - worthy to be cast out.

It’s been months before I started to realise how foolish I could be to take him, or his words, or his actions, or any other thing from him seriously. They are almost entirely bias and literally, literally, worthless, of no significance.

Look, I’m not the only victim.

Now I need to resist the temptation to mock him. The stuttering and protruding jaws which made him look somewhat like a piranha attempting to speak mandarin.

I wouldn’t move on saying I don’t care. Besides that I did care, I still believe we ought to be sensitive to our surrounding and occurrences of any event - pleasant or unpleasant - because they rooted from us in the midst of society. Because there probably is something to take out from there.

Because I did care, I realised I realised a lot more about myself.

Been too critical, too anal retentive. It seems like that I build my life upon a chess board than a box of chocolates, or bed of roses for that matter. Every move, decision, consideration seem to surface to build a better, perfect tomorrow which I can’t seem to convince myself will never condense before my eyes within the days of my life. Of course I take risks but that is only after evaluating every single possible outcome, consequence, and implication.

And we all know this is all possible not because of who I am, but what I am born into.

Perhaps we, or perhaps just myself, need to be more real.

And contrary to their (untrue) opinion of who I am, I need to be less tactical.

Boo hoo!

p.s. viperfish may be a more appropriate metaphor. Go wikipedia - I’m sure you’ll get it.

This post was originally written on November 25, 2009 at 2:46pm.

Judging, ignorant

by carrie on November 25th, 2009

I can barely understand how can anyone, particularly one whom I’m barely acquainted with and barely fond of, judge if I’m tactical or not. Especially when he did not make his point with any examples, and I don’t see how he should have any.

Maybe in his midst of deciding how tactical, or not, I’m he should have given some thought to my possible intentions.

Besides, on what basis did he pass his judgement?

Bah. I’ve been hiding too much actually. In fact, I don’t wish to share any aspect of my life with most, if not all, of them. I’m sorry, my pretty little world is actually slightly more appealing than yours.

Now would you please come, my bright and hopeful future?

Looking beyond

by jon laa on November 21st, 2009

and perhaps thinking a little too much.

That’s nothing new, unfortunately.

Been lazy and that’s not the way it should be. I have ideas, wonderful ideas that I need to get started on. Because, um, I think it’s part of love and part of being responsible to the maintenance of a relationship - not the romantic, exclusive kind.

By the way, my newspaper pots in the balcony are not working out because humidity level in singapore is lower than I was expecting. And so I set up some water irrigation system which worked well for the past week. Um, no signs of germination yet.

The notebook I bought for myself to doodle on is left in my dad’s car when he dropped me off at the train station last week. Pity. Lots and lots of ideas I didn’t manage to pen down, which isn’t entirely unfortunate given it gave me more time to sort them out - and to figure which are more worth than others.

Gave some thought to my social life and I realised some people are leeching off me again. I cannot help being nice, that’s an overstatement. Gah. For that, I wish I could take flight and soar out of where I am altogether - you see, I’m terribly insecure.

There are also nice people, genuinely nice from what I see so far, who I have issues with and who have issues with me. No, I don’t think it’s wedging our relationship apart but at the same time it has its own exasperating moments for all of us. It’s probably just personality differences, which we are overcoming - really.

Last of all, there are hypocrites and hater (singular) who are not worth mentioning for now.

It isn’t really worth it to keep friends who leech of you right? It completely redefines my definition of friendship.

Of people amidst people

by carrie on November 19th, 2009

I just realise one of my colleagues, not teammate, may actually have developed some kind of unexplained *liking towards me. I have always wanted to mention this but never remembered.

By the way, he’s the only one from the group that was posted here together with me who seems to have this issue. And I’m not that unpopular here, so I think.

*ETA: it’s suppose to read disliking.

Unestablished hearts

by jon laa on November 15th, 2009

And so the weekend is ending for real. Few hours more to go before liberation ceases on me once again.

There has been a great desire to sing in an ensemble again. It’s really not so much of the quality of music but it’s more of the exposure and the experience and the happiness, joy of making music that comes together. Most unfortunately, I haven’t been much of a key player in any ensemble I’ve been a part of. It’s not so much of my skills, capabilities or attitude but the personality. I somewhat feel I have been irresponsible - to be exactly - I am irresponsible towards music making.

Either way, I love ensemble music. I love the miracle we all play a part to create, though we here may exclude me altogether. Pity.

I shall talk to them about it and see if I can pop by one of these days. I really don’t see a point in staying if I can’t get pass my own self of being too critical of my own self that I ended up not quite singing. Boo hoo! It’s so much easier to perform solo music, sometimes, because it is only yourself you’re responsible towards.

Did lots of soul-searching of sorts. I wouldn’t know if soul-searching is the right word for what I did. And I figured I shouldn’t embark on anything less than ideal. I don’t live well with substitutes, I realise. Neither do I live well being a follower as much as I am one almost my entire life. I find it too burdensome to lead. I’m still by large an escapist, I don’t like to take responsibilities, I don’t like extra work, I like to be alone and unnoticed. To me, it saves me a lot of unnecessary time wastage.

:)

From there, I conclude I am not going to the states, united kingdom nor canada.

From there, also, I have decided I should attempt to satisfy my academic gratification. I wouldn’t want look back and delude myself with the uncountably if onlys.

Back to more reading, wasting of time.

Onions

by jon laa on November 14th, 2009

Maybe I’ve lost my sense of direction, maybe I haven’t. There are plans that are taking into shape but may not realise after all because life is that uncertain. Too many uncontrollable factors, I believe. Either way, uncertainty can be worked to one’s advantage - so I believe, as well.

The weekend is almost gone, just like that. Did spend bulk of the time sleeping then decided to make a quick dash to the library before it closes for the day. Borrowed what I ought to and went to the nearby mall to purchase what I planned to last week. I forgot one item, damn it.

Bought an A4-size notepad to do some random scribbling. I find it difficult to study a book without writing anything at all. I can’t seem to draft out the contents as detailed as I would prefer.

Either way, I figured I should move on to another text first for practical reasons. Borrowed a voice recording of the novel too, for easy “reading” as well.

Gah.

I can imagine myself spending the next saturday in a library. Um, reading reference literary criticism.

Dio!

p.s. I really love onions. Raw, pungent ones.

In reflection

by jon laa on November 8th, 2009

I’m glad to know it isn’t too long since I last met somebody and had a hell of a good time with, laughing and whatever not.

But on the downside, I can’t remember when was the last time I met up with somebody to do completely nothing.

In fact, I can’t even remember when was the last time I met somebody just for teh tarik or supper.

It seems that we all have been too busy.