Money

by jon laa on October 18th, 2009

None of my cards are working and that has effectively made me penniless. I am not too far away from being literally penniless.

Of course I had to forget to mail the activation slip this morning, which means I have to do it later.

No replies from the lady whom I faithfully purchase bailey’s food from. And it’s pretty disturbing because bailey is running out of food.

Going to be gone for another week, not pleasant at all.

And I found my lost shaver today only after I bought a replacement, which took forever. I don’t understand which idiot will make sense out of putting a shaver in my shelf under a stack of, um, medication. I can’t even figure why is it in the shelf.

No mails - another unpleasantness.

On the bright side, there’s medical review to look forward to. In fact, there should be two medical reviews - an internal and an external one. I hope they review me as dead, it’ll be an awesome news to have.

Finally had a haircut, feels somewhat good.

Mixture of good and bad conversations these days, better ones with duncan and worse with a. Many existing conversations died. I realised it leaves me with less and less people to talk to.

Damn tired.

Flickering

by jon laa on October 17th, 2009

Given that my back hurts on non-working days, I am pretty convinced it’s not psychological. It is real, not merely part of my imagination.

Gah.

There are personal errands to run. I’m pinned on getting it done because my non-working days are that limited. It doesn’t help that my public holidays fall on a saturday and I’m not getting an additional day off. I’d rather it fall on a weekday and I’ll get to max out an entire day of rest. Me, my brittle bones and sickly flesh needs rest.

I’m even considering walking, running to get my errands done. It’s pretty much nearby, say two kilometers away. The motivation is my brand new garmin 405. No, I didn’t buy it recently but it was spoilt and they replaced me with a brand new one. Of course I have my doubts over how brand new it is. I’m pretty sure it could be a refurbished one.

:)

No mails for me. I’m a little upset. There should be some coming in today or on monday (which is as good as friday/saturday). It really sucks to know that I wouldn’t be around for the bulk of the week - I need a new job.

Boorish

by jon laa on October 16th, 2009

Finally found the right word for the title. Feels satisfying.

I don’t think they are being fair to me, honestly. Neither do I think they care.

Of course they are lying, they aren’t afraid of me. They just want to avoid me because they can’t so easily inflict their authority upon my poor miserable soul. In short, I am useless. I don’t provide gratification. It’s a lose-lose situation.

They may think they hold on to the winning end of the stick, they think they will manage to bring me back to continue production, but they didn’t. It was a compromise - “a compromise that in retrospect satisfies nobody.”

Of course I am unhappy, I am discontented. I can’t be sure if I am depressed or angry, but I doubt it. Maybe I am afraid, I wouldn’t know.

Guess they are right, I need somebody to talk to.

Pseudo

by jon laa on October 16th, 2009

I made tom yum noodles with some left over chicken - bad combination. And armed with a glass, an extra large class, of milk, I started savoring my bowl of strange tom yum.

Okay. I think once you have tom yum in thailand often enough, you know how they roughly taste and they seldom venture too far from that. The bowl of tom yum I am having now is like some sort of indescribable thing. It isn’t that spicy but it made me cough a bit just now. Tsk!

Fish sauce, um, stinks. But it really brings out a different dimension in dishes. And since it’s my first time using the fish sauce, hur hur, I could only try it on my tom yum and it isn’t really that awesome. The chicken is way way way more overpowering.

First attempt at recreating thai fish: failed.

Even the noodles are wrong. I have no idea why. I think I overcooked rather than undercooked them. Maybe the dry ones are like that, a bit more rubbery and not as cool as what you get off the street stores.

I am determined to grow some lemon grass and kaffir lime.

Unexpectedly

by jon laa on October 14th, 2009

I wish I could bring myself to write because there is so much within myself I will like to make known.

But I can’t seem to find the right words, phrasing, content, whatever.

Be back during the weekends.

Dying

by jon laa on October 12th, 2009

I lay on my bed waiting for death to consume me. I wasn’t going to die just yet but the cloud of submission was coming upon me, convincing me to walk straight into the lion’s den.

Of course somebody came and saved me, saved me from the impending death.

They wouldn’t let me go though, I’m sure of it. But we’re preparing for it, we are taking precautions. They may spring an attack on my doorstep, trying to catch me offhand but we’re prepared. No such comfort once dusk falls on wednesday - I’ll still have to eventually face the lions.

In the mean time, we have peace and perhaps prosperity.

I don’t like how they work, how they deal with things. It appalls me how little responsibility each of them have. They abuse their authority, in full weight, not giving people like us - who are at the end of the food cycle - any space, breathing space. Like helpless souls trapped between dimensions, we only have high powers to look onto. On good days, we have angels in flesh and blood.

There are many ways out, unexpected ways out. It wasn’t part of the plan to run away, to escape, to take flight into other shelters for safety. I was promised recovery, promised to be normal again, but I don’t think they care. They are out to milk us dry, to cultivate us into working units belonging to their factory of mass production. Our existence is to fulfill their void.

My desire is to never return again. Maybe I’d disappear altogether one day during my visits to those shelter. They are nice people, the only nice people around. They try to help, to right wrong and to put everything back together again. To put everything back together for the others so we could be fruitful again. I don’t like it that way.

It is far more deal to be broken beyond repair. No maintenance required then. It will be freedom, lush undefined freedom. They will let me go, let me go from tattered dreams and broken hearts.

Fighting

by jon laa on October 12th, 2009

I wouldn’t know if I should just follow through or fight for myself. It’s obviously an easier way out to follow through, to do what I am told to, but it comes a point in time when there’s more to consider than just convenience.

Pretty often, I believe, we don’t trust others to spare that shade of consideration for us. Living in the 21st century means being part of a society built upon selfishness and nothing more than personal convenience, gains. Nobody spares a thought for you, at one point in time or another.

From what it seems I’m reaching the end of the lifeline. No, I am not dying yet but there’s much more to it. The pain is real, the discomfort and the yet to be investigated conditions. There’s no point having hope in the bleak, uncertain and unforeseeable future - I realised.

There’s much more to fight for than individual rights. To fight against peer pressure, fight against being accused, being misunderstood and maybe despised, I wouldn’t know. It’s tiring. There’s disbelief, there is self, there is tomorrow.

On the flip side, I do honestly want a way out. Maybe everything above is an excuse, a false justification for me to be accepted, for others to accept my possible wrongdoings. Maybe they were all fabricated by the subconscious or part of my vivid imagination.

Is this escapism or what?

Perhaps all I am looking for is a cross between sympathy and security. To be understood, loved and appreciated.

Gardening

by jon laa on October 12th, 2009

I honestly can’t wait to move and I am waiting to lay my hands on some seeds to get started on gardening. Planning to grow a herb garden I can move over and probably some fruits too. It’s actually pretty exciting to grow your own food, I don’t know what you may think about it.

But the downside of it is that, however healthy you can try to get, you wouldn’t know if the seeds you lay your hands on are genetically modified. If they are, it really defeats the purpose of trying to be healthy by growing your own food.

One of the greatest problem is having sufficient sunlight. I haven’t been to the new place long enough to know the amount of sunlight it receives a day. I seriously don’t intend to grow anything I am planning to eat in the common corridor, thank you. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind investing in a few artificial daylight bulbs.

I’m trying to lay my hands on:

1) basil
2) marjoram
3) oregano
4) rosemary
5) thyme
6) lavender

If you are wondering, I am planning to get my dad do the growing. HA! I don’t exactly spend time at home now you know? :/

October 10, 2009 at 11:36pm.

Mind-power

by jon laa on October 9th, 2009

Gah.

I thought I would have a lot to say but I guess not.

Feels weird to be back home. One of the most important things in life is to have identification and probably somebody to identify with.

Gah.

I don’t really know what I want nor do I know what I want to do. But there’s an itching to try something new. Maybe because I can’t stand what has been happening around me.

Leaving is probably the best choice. I don’t see the point to stay in a place I don’t feel happy in and amongst people I am not comfortable with.

There’s this complete lack of motivation and encouragement to move on. I suppose I am gonna stand still and let the waves wash me over.

Tweet 2

by carrie on October 5th, 2009

The alpha male thing annoys me. I believe it only exists amongst people whose intelligence do not exceed those of pack animals.