For a better life

by jon laa on October 30th, 2009

Maybe it’s good news he’s no longer around. I think he has left for a better place, a place where people may probably appreciate him better. Too many expectations here, too many hypocrites, too many results-orientated, selfish bastards who never gave him enough chances.

Unfortunately, I’m one of them.

Oh well.

Nothing much about singing and music these days eh? I think I am opening far too wide. Gah.

Of dumbasses and unexplained stupidity

by carrie on October 26th, 2009

It’s difficult to comprehend why he bothers to confront me, to inflict his opinion of what manner of person I am upon me. I’m not his working buddy nor am I in his team.

To put the situation in perspective, he’s going on two weeks of medical leave starting tomorrow. Oh yea, I’m faking my heart murmurings and palpitation. And yes, I’m to be blamed for my injured back because I can’t isolate my back muscles.

By the way, it’s about time you connect your isolated brain back—if you actually have one.

Unsettling moments

by jon laa on October 25th, 2009

Feels terrible and awful.

It’s part of the first impression plus impression built up after seeing the person around for a year or so being totally false.

No, I don’t think the false impression is deliberately created - that made it more disturbing.

Gah.

No, I can’t understand why anybody behaves that way.

No, I can’t understand how lust-filled a person can be.

Disturbed.

Overlaps

by jon laa on October 24th, 2009

It’s been some time since our birth and we’ve come a long way, longest since we ever started. Learning so much more about ourselves everyday and learning what we like and what we seek. It seems that as we know more about ourselves, we give those around us less chances. Everybody has to meet our criteria before we could bring ourselves another step forward.

Pity.

Too often we give up on others, give up on ourselves, give up on opportunities that knocked upon the door. Through life, and possibly failures and disappointments, we learnt to practise quality control - picking and choosing what we are fond of.

Maybe life isn’t just a lesson to learn ourselves. It may be a process of learning about others and learning to let go. Learning to put who we are into the society and learning to expose ourselves to the many around us. Learning how to put our prejudices, stereotypes away, learning how to approach others and learning to response to others’ approaches.

It’s too much of ourselves, really.

And it’s never about us, really.

Goodbye lionel. I appreciated the time we spent together in the clinic and I really appreciated that you waited for me even though you didn’t have to. Perhaps it is meant to be that we only have that few hours to spend together and it’s a pity we never gave ourselves a point of contact.

Goodbye stranger A. I enjoyed conversation a lot and I suppose we have too much of ourselves that we set limitations and restrains to safeguard we are. There wasn’t a compromise or an attempt for it. I suppose we both thought too highly of who we are.

Green fishy fingers

by jon laa on October 23rd, 2009

Before I came up to my room to write this entry, dad was grinding fish pellet into powder for the guppies and, I suppose, their babies. If you were to visit my place, you would have noticed our pretty impressive collection of guppies - in quantity, not quality.

Then of course we have a lot of funky stuff - by urban standards - like banana trees, lime trees or bushes and some other stuff including a papaya tree. And having a papaya tree is super weird because papaya trees only have either male or female flowers on each tree, if I didn’t remember wrongly. Then again, we can always find male papaya trees, if we have a female one, and steal some pollens from there.

If it’s a male one, we can chop it off.

Break off.

by jon laa on October 23rd, 2009

Many I have held too dearly and little I have learnt to let go. I don’t see myself putting what I’ve been carrying down now or in the near future. Too tightly my fist clenched, too narrow I have my perspectives set.

The better days never quite come, I realised it may be more of how I put myself in the cosmos. It is me in relationship to others.

For the least, I’ve been having breakfast and taking naps. I’m sure both constructs a healthy life.

Perhaps what we like to do - our hobbies, past time, recreational activities - are all part of escapism. To distract us from what we are doing and to pull ourselves away from ourselves. It’s part of, um, avoidance. Out of fear, perhaps.

Matilda

by jon laa on October 22nd, 2009

I can’t believe that she read more books than me so I went book shopping.

Question

by jon laa on October 21st, 2009

If God made dogs smell, why did God make man see?

Or was superficialness a deliberate choice of man?

Psychotic

by jon laa on October 21st, 2009

Back home again and I don’t exactly appreciate it. I’m pretty much torn between my own pursuits and what is expected of me back there. It’s much easier, much easier to fulfill what is expected of me than to attend to those many lovely ideas I have.

And. MICHELLE FORGOT MY HARD DRIVE AGAIN.

Be back later.

Illness

by carrie on October 20th, 2009

The fundamental difference between my family and his is probably God. I wouldn’t even go into the details of religion or faith but the absence of belief in the existence of a higher power in his family is enough for now.

Of course the faith we, referring to applicable christians, have probably bewildered almost every other soul. But it is this exact assurance that all will be fine, I wouldn’t die, and even if I did it wouldn’t be death in vain, that somewhat lifts all human worries and woes from our lives. I’m sure it’s unexplained and can never be put in words or expressed in any distinguished form. This assurance we, again referring to applicable christians, have also happens to be an attraction of mockery from those seemingly wiser men of skepticism. Our inability to convey what we have does not in one way or another translate to its absence but only reflects what manner of person we, referring to the entire human race, are—pretty much restrained, imperfect and wouldn’t live beyond a minute fraction of where our imagination brings us.

Even if you’d like to challenge the existence of my God and my faith or assurance, you can’t deny there’s much we lack while limitations abound. It is never about us controlling our lives—you barely have any authority over your flesh and definitely have none over the cycle of life—it’s about letting go of our insecurities and letting what is beyond who we are, incomprehensible, unseen and perfect to lift us above the curse of the ground to where we find rest.

Before you decide once again to brush me off as being foolish, blinded by religious teachings, you probably should rethink. Unless you’ve given yourself and my God a test-drive, you’re not in any position to judge. If you had and my God failed you, I’m sorry it’s not meant to be.