Garmin

by jon laa on June 16th, 2009

The damned watch erases my data after it uploads it to the site. Problem is that if the site is down, it doesn’t gets uploaded but the watch deletes the data anyways.

There goes my stats for mt faber run, never mind.

Race timing is not out yet, will update again.

Didn’t practise violin for the week, coming two weeks. Bad. Going to crash tomorrow, time flies. Really.

And, uh, it just sucks. I think. I’ll need to start working on my bowing and I’d like to finish my shifts.

Being discouraged is disruptive.

Fucked

by jon laa on June 15th, 2009

No, not literally.

But just sucks, you know.

I’d remember that well, brian.

Mindset

by jon laa on June 15th, 2009

In introspect, I don’t know how I am going to survive my a year ten months there. Looking at how serious everybody in society generally is, I feel a little threatened.

I tend to laugh over everything and brush almost everything aside. I don’t see a need to know anything more than how much I should. Nor do I see a point in being serious at something is not my rice bowl.

Then when placed with the wrong people, I am pulling the standard down.

Definitely don’t want to be ostracized for being the happy, weird and quirky dude.

Gah.

And there are a lot of things I’d like to say, just not know how. Little tired.

Disaster

by jon laa on June 14th, 2009

Damn tired, dying.

Good night.

By the way, I walked my run. F*.

Goodwill

by jon laa on June 14th, 2009

My brain is officially not functioning. Everything seems a little distorted, fuzzy and it’s getting on me.

Mich was telling me about some people and I totally did not get her point. In fact, I associated who she was talking about to the wrong person and didn’t even notice till I read her email. Bad.

Not tired, but my attention span is just not there. Maybe it’s the withdrawal symptoms for not exercising suddenly. Gah!

And there’s mizuno mount faber run which I have been worried over every morning, over if that is the morning I ought to be running. To top off the possible waking up late, I actually had some curry vegetable for supper.

Bad.

Procrastinating about kayaking, doesn’t seem exciting at all now. It seems like everybody goes through the “why the heck did I sign up for it?” phase. It’s a month-long torture and I figured there’s nothing much I can do about it.

Maybe it’s a sign from above. HA!

Lot

by jon laa on June 13th, 2009

I’ll probably name my kids rahab and lot. The former because God doesn’t look at what manner of man/woman one is to save His people. The latter because God sends people to deliver others, and I would like my child to have somebody interceding for him.

No, I am not going to name my child melkizedek because I don’t think being a (high ?) priest or somebody who lives forever is a big deal. I’m sure God looks inside first, then add on accordingly. Looking at the two sons of eli, hophni and phinehas, both of whom are born into priesthood yet not pleasing in the sight of God, who both died during a battle against the philistines proves my point. Phinehas’s wife gave birth upon hearing of his death and died after giving birth. Eli died (he was already old though) after hearing of his sons death, he fell backwards and died from a broken neck. It’s all cursed or coincidence. Either of which, you could say God allowed them to die.

For the least I know rahab was spared and lot lived, that’s sufficient enough. God did not let them die.

The bible’s pretty strange and somewhat humane. Like, “surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.”

If were to assume that the psalm was written by david and that david was the second king of israel who very much loved by God, does the psalm apply only to the kings of israel?

And for man like david who loves God enough to rebuild (I believe) His temple, why does it seem that goodness and mercy is a condition for him to dwell in the house of the LORD forever? Part of being humane?

Or is he just spoilt? Being a king and all, somebody whom God favours (I think), he probably has enough to make that proclamation.

Bah.

Nonetheless it’s great comfort. Real or not, we’ll eventually find out but for now it’s an awesome assurance.

And I realise I am starting to say what I am writing out loud, which is quite strange?

Explains

by jon laa on June 11th, 2009

Gah.

Been slacking, no running, didn’t do weights. Lazying around. In other to make time effective, I have been singing. Didn’t sing as much last week because my voice was a little raw. Figured tiredness may have contributed to it as well. Like I felt like I have refound my support.

Gotta admit things aren’t all that glitter and be gay. Really could be much better than this, I am tired of being stuck, trapped under a bog. But patience, so the teacher says. I look at progress. Maybe I should be giving myself more time but I am probably deluding myself.

Much better, I ought to move much faster.

My teacher is right though, on certain things like being subconsciously distracted. I call it being aware of my surroundings. I could hold several conversations, read and type (something of no relevance) simultaneously last time. My attention span is much for focused now, I realise I can’t multitask that well anymore and tend to lose my train of thought (which seldom happens) when I am too engross into doing something.

And so that’s one of the stark change.

The other is that I am using my throat a lot less. Found out that I am a tenor, after experimenting with the lower register. If you were to hear how I speak, my range and lower notes, you’ll probably think I am an unpolished baritone. The experiment failed, I almost died. It was terrible. It is terrible to be doing something and realise you can’t do it anymore. Like, dying and helpless.

Okay, so that’s another change.

Found a new sensation around my palate region today. Trying to coordinate my attack and palate movement, finding placement and such. It’s actually pretty much difficult to shoot from the lowest part of your body and to click into the right high palate placement. Gah. That also mean I am not completely isolating my throat yet. I need to work on it, but it isn’t all that easy.

Unless you are daniel who told me to relax and it’s just placement. Right. But you gotta give it to him because our teacher says he’s good at opening inside. Maybe he has other training, the gag reflex kind? I am sure it gotta do with palate movement too. No, I am not being mean daniel. I love you.

Bad. Bad.

I refuse to do anything but idle in front of the screen. It’s a conscious decision, I know. Give me a break okay? I’ll be back next week. Really.

Beyond

by jon laa on June 9th, 2009

Meh.

I got scores, hundred over pages of them, printed thanks to kw. I shan’t divulge who she is nor her resources, because she requested to be unidentified.

The usual concert attire talk is back, I don’t know how, and it’s fairly amazing. Found out what brendan has been up to and it has been insightful. Then the conversation I had with him carried over to my conversation with sn and it was more insightful.

Now I have a unnamed tailor to talk to to see if I can get some designs out. No, I am not sharing the tailor with anybody.

But the tailor was quite an interesting character per se. Let’s see, he has awesome designs, he specialises in men shirts though he did some ladies ones. Lacks foresight and failed to appropriately draw comparisons. Bad english, bad social skills.

It wasn’t that bad an encounter but I could almost yell in his face and take all his uncalled for statements as offensive comments.

Either way, we can do so much better if we put in an effort to heed others’ opinion. Of course we decide for ourselves who we want to be but an opinion voiced is the opinion of few.

Then again, who cares?

If you are unhappy, you can f* off. If I am unhappy, I would have f* off instead of talking to him.

I guess we learn to overlook one’s inabilities for what he is able.

Meh

by jon laa on June 7th, 2009

I’ve been having reflux and my throat feels burnt, somehow.

Maybe that’s how it affected my voice.

Borrowed books from the library, look at it and decided I should just stick to what I am doing. There’s lots of hard work involve when it comes to progress and I have a lack of enthusiasm towards it. Bad.

But since I have said that, I am going to work right on it tomorrow. And hopefully I have something to show my teacher for this week.

Back to kayaking, coach is particular about skills. Good.

But my laissez-faire attitude is probably a little annoying for me. Really. I hate it when people have expectations and I don’t. I don’t deny that I don’t care if i pass the assessment? Neither do I care if my skills aren’t perfected.

I know I will walk out learning something, and I know I am ready to learn. But the lack of, um, enthusiasm towards learning is probably not going to help. I only hope that I wouldn’t be holding the class back.

More effort, more.

Of course, I am the recalcitrant. I can’t follow instructions, I have to do it my way till I get it right. Because, nobody is going to give me instructions when I am out in the open sea right? Even if somebody is going to help, I am responsible for myself right? In that case, I justify why I can’t follow instructors. I believe in my own judgment, and I believe in making my own judgment and making it right.

Good instructors are awesome.

There are reasons why I am there. Obviously there to try, to learn. Maybe some pointers will help, but I will like to know I am in control at the end of the day. Following instructions doesn’t make a skill mine. Figuring out how to reach the objective myself will.

Guess I haven’t come to terms with my recalcitrant bit. I still need to explain, and spend so many words on justifying myself. Bad, bad.

My portamento are getting

ETA:

better and I am desperate for more materials to work on my shifting.

Going to work more on it tomorrow, I want to perfect my third position and be able to decently reach into the second and fourth before I am grounded from practices.

Gah.

Free hugs

by jon laa on June 6th, 2009

Free hugs is such a good concept, I am in great need of one.

Like sometimes after you have done so much, you realise you are still not anywhere near your ideal. Getting closer, and getting closer rapidly just isn’t enough. Isn’t enough to bring you to success, however you may define it. Or bring you into your dream.

I’d like to live the day to tell others “I’m living my dream” when asked what my dream is.

I’m tired, really. Not physically but the self-expectation is augmented beyond belief.

Gah, I can’t be sure I’ll get there.

But at least I could be sure I will get somewhere.