Madness

by jon laa on May 21st, 2009

Planning a kayaking trip to ubin, it’s meant for intermediate to advanced kayakers but I suppose we will do fine. Every one of us going would have had two-stars and would have somewhat survived army besides for me and the girl(s). The difficulty, I suppose, is crossing the slightly open straits to ubin. Following which, we will be paddling around the island before making our way back.

Uh, we are thankfully not exposed to the open sea. Decided that we should cross the straits when the tide comes in so we wouldn’t be washed away from the island. I will rather be washed in, I hope we can find some tide to our favour.

And I am probably going to leave the trip plan with somebody to make sure we don’t die at sea.

On the not so bright side the map of ubin doesn’t show where the beaches are, which means we wouldn’t be able to find places where we can disembark for lunch. Going to email some kayakers to ask about that. I definitely will not disembark on the rocky shores, I don’t intend to come back in a helicopter.

And yes, we are taking down the numbers of the coast guards. I am afraid of dying.

Probably going to explore chek jawa. Because of the geography purist we have, we wouldn’t be allow to go too near them lest we mess with the ecosystem. I was contemplating to take a picture of myself floating on top of the reefs, until I realise we mainland people aren’t so clean after all.

By the way, we are finding our way around with gps!

There are four of us planning to go now, maybe can get five or six. More the merrier, dying with a crowd is better than dying alone!

Oh yeah, I am so excited.

The trip will be 22km. The next time we head out to sea, we should try the northern and southern islands. That will be my 40km done! Brilliant.

Back to the more mundane, safe, important and down-to-earth matters, singing class was bravissimo. Even though the teacher didn’t take my constant request to change pieces to her liking. I know I am hard to please but the bellini piece is really working out. For one, we don’t have to stop prematurely in the midst of the piece. For two, we don’t have to stop prematurely often in the midst of the piece. For three, we don’t have to stop prematurely often in the midst of the piece because I cracked or slipped.

The highest note is only a Eb but I slipped at it several times, which kinda brought my morale so low that I feared a Eb. It’s a little depressing. But either way, I somewhat got it back. Uh, through some bad technique. I feared that Eb, remember? Only that one incident though.

Both of us has come to our agreement about my voice, especially about the potentially lower notes. (And that was the reason why I didn’t want to do the handel piece, it was too low.) The potentially lower notes are discarded now, they are my pseudo-bass notes - how contradicting to my web address. Didn’t manage to go damn high, like say G? My ideal is a C, so I can be sure I can sing a Bb comfortably if not the C.

I am starting to flap my arms during lessons and waving them around in the tak-glam manner you can imagine me doing. And I have been imitating my teacher’s actions while figuring the right muscles to twitch and screening the right imagery through my head. Did it more liberally today that it was noticed, and I was told to do some actions if it helps. Guess what? It became awkward and unnatural that it didn’t work that well anymore. Dang!

Oh, we also agreed that my speaking voice is way too low. Been trying to speak at a higher register already, if you did not notice. I’ve been speaking like I am excited all the time, because it really subconsciously brings my speaking range up. I actually tried to speak into a tuner and found that I am speaking at about low C, which is the extreme low end of my vocal range. Not that comfortable, really. That probably also explain why I tend to lose my voice when I spoke too much, in those tertiary-screwed-up-education days. I remembered singing better if I didn’t speak for the week then.

I’ve been trying, okay?

Now that I remember, we should really be asking the life-saving girls to join us. I mean, I can’t swim that well and I do think life-savers do the job of saving lives right?

Gwad, miz ist beri excited nehz!

Obsessed

by jon laa on May 20th, 2009

I am totally obsessed with kayaking, those whom I have been speaking to would have realised. It isn’t so much of the moving-in-water that entices me, but I am highly intrigued by all the cool tricks you could do. In retrospect, 1-star is a totally crappy course. I probably would say the same for 2-star when I have completed my 3-star but I don’t think it will be in the same degree given I had awesome course mates.

Feeling slightly apprehensive about 3-star. I would think that the 40km journey would be a total killer but given I have a year to complete it, shouldn’t be that bad. More concern about my course mates, I wouldn’t want to be paddling with unadventurous souls. Then again, I don’t suppose anybody want to kayak with losers who can’t stop spinning as well.

Bah.

I really love being in water, and being out of society. I don’t care how dirty the water is and how it is full-of-flavour. Being confined with a few people within a basin is a great comfort, when we have been chasing after our out-of-reach ideals almost our entire lives.

Like how I enjoy running, I enjoy kayaking because I don’t have to win.

But the competitive streak is somewhat still prominent.

My neck is sore, swollen. No idea how but I would think I have twisted it while I was lazing in bed yesterday. For the least, I could afford to turn it without much extreme pain, it still hurts though. Did take some medication, muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatory pills, last night. Going for class later, so wouldn’t be taking any till class is over.

I secretly cannot wait for lesson, I think I sound a lot better than before. The piece sits awesomely beautifully in my range, which isn’t a good sign because it could either mean 1) the piece is damn easy or 2) the piece encompasses a really small range. I honestly don’t think I did improve that much. But having a comfortable piece to sing is a good note to start on.

Oh, I dreamt of being scolded for tensed fingers and that my fingering skills deteriorated since the last lesson, which is probably not going to be true. I did lots of fingering over the past week. But my bowing may be in great despairs. Given my right shoulder is pretty rigid (because of the pain in the neck), I can’t exactly do much bowing too.

Bah. I still favour a slightly flat B in A major.

For the least, the pain in my feet is going away.

Opinion

by jon laa on May 17th, 2009

I don’t see a point in doing anything that is less than great, and believe that anything ordinary is ordinary however pretty it may be. I don’t think I am great but I will very much like to make myself heard, be noticed.

That means anything normal, not outstanding or special, and without any form of uniqueness is just, um, okay. Not superb, noteworthy.

Moving on, I did practise today. Didn’t sing as much as I would love to, was honestly tired.

Played the two pieces I was suppose to work on. There is this bit of technical shit I refused to do, because I haven’t done it before and am too lazy to explore. Did schradieck, those that I have done before and those that I highlighted. Didn’t work out as well as I will like them too, struck one of the selected exercises off the list. It was way off pitch that it is pointless, may come back to it in a few days.

Fingers are a little tight, especially after kayaking. Guess technique makes the world go round. Didn’t know how to kayak properly and ended up drop-dead exhausted with some pain between my thumb and index, left feet. Manage to pick up a few tips from chongren though, shall attempt the next time I head out to the waters, which is probably on the coming saturday. If I plan to do my five journeys of at least 8km, I better pick up some good skills there.

And so fingers are a little tight. Ended up being highly conscious of how it was tightening and took extra effort to stop to relax them a little. No point aggravating the pain.

Going to work more on it tomorrow. Gotta be at the library to pick up some scores, and that kinda sucks because I am just damn lazy. But work is work.

Everlasting

by jon laa on May 16th, 2009

Nigel, andre and chongren are the three people who did nothing significant yet leave an everlasting impression within my short life of two-decade and counting.

It isn’t always what you do, it could just be living out who you are.

Guess it does tell a more convincing story, leaves a better impression.

Never mind your colour, appearance, looks, choice of language, vocabulary.

There is much more to look inside.

On the other hand, we have awfully awesome people who are way so awesome that they suck so bad I cannot imagine living with them.

In fact, they can be the cause of any slight tinges of depression in my life.

No, I am not saying the rest of you are insignificant.

I am telling you the power of self, if you will allow your self yourself.

Escapism

by jon laa on May 15th, 2009

For some reasons, I, aesthetically, don’t like the word escapism anymore.

And

I am feeling so stuck, trapped, confined at home. Dying to go out.

In fact, I was ready to. Did a search and found the coordinates of several geocache, but decided I wouldn’t find anything in the night.

Going for a run is probably a stupid idea as well because my feet hurts.

Bah.

I missed the sun, the sea and the feeling of being out-of-civilisation, and being unreachable.

Most importantly, I should mention I failed the pathetic paper so miserably I don’t think I can face daylight ever again.

Rawr.

Lastly, I realise most people are pretty preoccupied with their lives. Myself included. That at most point in time, we cannot be bothered/cannot find the time to reply text messages. It is a little depressing, in the sense one could unintentionally send the wrong message.

But really, I am dying to go out to sea. And to do some decent kayaking before I turn my head in for a clean shave, the closest that barber ever gave.

Because stupid disturbances like 2-star kayaking course and the-new-toy are such great distractions, I haven’t been practising for today and the past two days. I did sing though, and the bellini piece fits lovingly in my voice.

If only we could live our lives weaved within distractions, pleasures, and perhaps, lust.

Fatigue

by jon laa on May 15th, 2009

And so cycling is suppose to be a better sport for the heart because it causes less fatigue on the body - whatever. May consider skating but my skates aren’t the most comfortable around.

Back from 2-star kayaking course, finally. Little upset it is over, was so much fun. Especially when you have course mates who are highly determined, motivated, skillful and adventurous. Beats those whom are perpetually exhausted hands down. Of course it was tiring, but I don’t suppose it was that bad.

Especially when the girls survived.

It was amazing to see those girls who totally don’t look sporty going all strong, was pleasantly surprised and probably should be slightly ashamed, so I was told.

Managed an eskimo roll, which was all that mattered. Going to find a chance to practise them soon, hopefully I could get those awesomicilious course mates along.

Gah.

More practices for the time being, and I need to get scores and whatever not.

Bah.

ETA: I am seriously contemplating going to attempt geocache.

Dio.

by jon laa on May 13th, 2009

There is something about Dio that is so cool. Like having reminders popping up in blogs and such to remind me of what is off tangent. Of which, I am thankful for.

Often though, I wished there were more like-minded people established around me. I will like to be able to exchange opinions liberally, with an open mind. But that is hardly possible these days.

In as much as people do listen with an open mind, most, which probably includes myself, are deluded in our self that we can’t exactly see beyond what is our establishment.

Nonetheless, there is tinges of hope and beauty in the dismaying despairs.

But please, remind me, that we are here for a purpose, of a higher calling. No matter how much you dislike it, our mere existence brings about change and create differences within the microcosm of perpetual time.

Differences

by jon laa on May 12th, 2009

Very often we root ourselves in what we can and what others cannot, at the same time not putting enough emphasis on what others can and what we cannot.

That doesn’t mean I don’t root myself in what I can, or think it is a bad idea altogether. I do take great comfort in what I can, and I suppose I could anchor my security upon them.

The world would be a much better place if we share what we have, if we not only just share but also help others see what they do not realise in themselves, if we give others time.

In our own time we grow into somebody different, we see different perspectives, we think, feel and act differently.

I do suppose, also, that we are all made differently. Nonetheless it doesn’t mean some are entitled to their opinions while others aren’t, neither does it mean anyone is less deserved to be heard, has a smaller voice than any other. My point being that your opinion matters - I wouldn’t say your-vote-counts - but what you have to offer in your self, in your lack of security, courage to speak, and small feeble voice, is an opinion deserved to be heard, ready to shade another’s perspective.

But your selfishness to yourself through deprivation is none of our business.

Because we are responsible for our own.

And every other selfishness would be our, or mine, business. Being our fault, mine.

There is a greater world out there, I believe.

I believe, also, that everybody deserves a smile.

People who deserves more time, forgiveness, pardons, understanding, time than what we are already giving, maybe more than what we can ever give.

Because God, I believe with the many others, made the world functionally beautiful. And it isn’t entirely my fault it is screwing up, though it would be mine if I do nothing to stop it. For that, I start with myself.

And shut up if you think I am not doing a good job, because I am trying. Precisely my point, we deserve more time, understanding, pardons, forgiveness than what we could ever give others, what others could ever give us.

The world is so pretty, don’t you think?

No? Then try harder, it is not yet too late to discover. Of course, you can choose to live in your fugly world till you breathed your last.

One thing I am not agreeable with, though, is that we are made to love. To love our enemies, neighbours - such waste of emotion. I will get back to that, when I can. But trust me, I do love a lot. Just so much that I am incapable of doing it myself. Of course I can’t. Of course.

Depressing

by jon laa on May 11th, 2009

I know I said, jonathan only fails, never gives up.

Pfft.

That doesn’t mean I am all fine and dandy.

In fact, at this point in time, I am entertaining the thought of jumping off a building while laughing at how awesome an idea that is.

Obviously in great need of good food, a hair cut and some pampering.

I don’t think shopping is about making the best buys. Probably more to give you something to get excited about. And when it has done its job, there is something else to shop for.

Don’t we love life?

And by the way, I am dying for your forgiveness. Because I don’t wish to move on with life with any regrets.

But at the same time, um, I don’t think we have anything more for each other, which is quite depressing.

And confusing.

Drugged

by jon laa on May 9th, 2009

Feeling terribly tired, like drugged. Like I ain’t functional.

Don’t think I am going to sing today, feeling uneasy.

But violin practice was good, as if something clicked and I could play at the initially impossible tempi. Probably aiming to play crotchet to 100, full bow. If possible, 120. I guess it is something to work towards. Did crotchet to 60, which is manageable. Probably can go faster but was too tired to do exploration. Didn’t play at fast tempo with full bows before, as far back as memory goes, and crotchet to 50 was actually quite messy a few days back. Glad something is working out.

Pitch is good, better. No scales yet, but lots of schradieck and fingering drills. They are working out, putting pitch into place. It somewhat helps to play at both impossibly slow and fast tempi. One works on the accuracy of pitches and later stops me from crushing my notes, if you get me.

Going back to redo the sight reading book once again. I may take out the book I use for sight singing to sight read. Maybe the hymnal too, anything goes I suppose. But whatever it is, I need to get the nits and grits of the grade one thing fixed first.

Probably extracting schradieck out for some fourth finger drills. Then some self-designed fingering drills. to work on my Bb major.

Forward, forward. Progress.

One egg, one embryo, one adult-normality. But a bokanovskified egg will bud, will proliferate, will divide. From eight to ninety-six buds, and every bud will grow into a perfectly formed embryo, and every embryo into a full-sized adult. Making ninety-six human beings grow where only one grew before. Progress.