few things to note

by jon laa on April 18th, 2009

first, i never stepped out of my single-word-title for my blog entries till today.

second, i am typing in all lower cases which is not quite my style.

third, i have enough of people who do not listen or read.

please do not abuse words like okay, or kk, which obviously translate to mean you have read and acknowledged.

grr. i just need to vent.

on the bright side, i skipped bbq today and i am feeling rather pleased with it. although luke totally pang seh me and lennel gave me wrong information about mustafa which wasted my trip away.

sometimes parties and mass gatherings are annoying. it is almost like a ball when the highest priority is getting asked for a dance. no, i am not interested in such popularity contest. i know that is probably far too cynical.

but really, i will prefer lunch, tea, dinner, or a picnic anytime.

oh yes, shakespeare in the park is getting me all excited.

i learnt how to cycle yesterday, thanks to lionel. though i learnt better when he was not around, i think what i need is personal space and time. personal space is somewhat important, i realise i do not accept what others say. i need to work it out my way, i need to experiment and try. in that sense, um, i don’t really apply others’ advices.

either way, i fell only after being able to cycle of sorts, which was kinda gross. fell on my wobbly knee too, so i think i better rest a little more for them.

on the bright side, i should be getting down to running with andre next week. i need to be running with faster people. a 5:30 pace works for me, it should be able to bring me to my sub 50 target. and maybe i will be hitting my sub 40 one day.

life feels better, always, after writing.

and it will be good if i can care less.

Maybe

by jon laa on April 16th, 2009

It is amazing how I haven’t been beaten into a pulp since the beginning of my days. And most of the bullying encountered actually started from home, like my cousins were the bullies. For some reasons, the only son/child tends to get most of those.

And my sudden outburst of participation in sports could be to prove to others that I can do just fine in them. Probably also to prove that my pursuit in music is a choice and a deliberate, calculated choice undertaken. My attendance for choir as a cca was hideous, which was my choice then.

Most people don’t see themselves in a greater picture, I feel. Like somewhat undermining themselves, which is just depressing. The hindering of growth and the unexplored possibilities.

Don’t know why I am even bothered, but looking at them living their lives as mundane, synthesized individuals just put this little grief in me.

It makes so much difference if people could give themselves a chance to hear themselves, what they want to do with life and what they want out of life, then to suppress the inner surges and leaving them in isolation. There is so much more to achieve than the social norm.

Maybe we are all cynical, in a way or two. That somewhat the fairy tales and disney fantasies we have known so well is a world too far away.

Break free, people. Do you actually hear me?

ETA:

If you do not get there one day, at least die trying.

Exploration

by jon laa on April 12th, 2009

I just burst the blister about the size of the fingernail of my pinkie, actually I didn’t burst it. I had to snip the excess skin with a nail clipper because it wouldn’t tear no matter how I attempt to rip it apart. Feeling more at eased now even though I know the excess skin is still there without the fluids. By the way, it never hurt.

Feeling tired after completing half a kayaking course. Tomorrow will be the last day and I absolute adore fooling around in water safely. There was an attempt of dodgeball and I gotta say I fare better than expected. Not that it was an official game and not that anybody kept to their team.

Going to kayak again soon, I hope. Planning to go with calvin and andre at least. It is the hype of learning a new skill and I would like to proceed a level or two up, because I am afraid of dying. The only reassurance you can ever have is to be able to save yourself, I feel.

The coach/instructor actually casually commented that it must real relaxing for me to be the victim while he demonstrated the rescue drill (because all I had to do is to lie there floating, even though I could stand on my feet, and follow instructions) but I told him it wasn’t the real reason why I don’t mind being a victim twice. The real reason, and most practical reason, is that I would like to learn to save myself well. And I apparently left him speechless.

Moving from all that hype, I ran on friday night. The longest run I ever did but I finished walking. I still managed to run more than my previous longest run (which I didn’t have to walk) and at a, I believe, faster pace.

Only got home at four and caught a short two, three-hour nap before heading out for the kayaking course. Found my way there in a cab, because I wanted to sleep in later and because I could barely walk from the run.

Nearly fell into the sea while embarking myself into in the kayak because I obviously couldn’t bend my knee. For those who are wondering, I did not scream.

Upbringing

by jon laa on April 9th, 2009

The lack of parental interference in my life probably gave me the allowance to develop what many people detest in me, which I am not bothered about, which is only possible because my parents allowed it to be so.

No, I don’t blame. In fact, I like it that way.

To a moderate degree, I believe I see others’ perspectives fine though I am hardly agreeable with anybody or anything. I believe in ideals, which I know do not exist. But making do with anything less than the best is, in my opinion, stupid, and probably going to shortchange your pursuit of whatever ideals you desire.

Likewise, people from well-to-do families tend to come with a different set of beliefs from people from not-so-well-to families.

Unlike you, and you, and you, I work within my limitation.

And I know you, and you, and you, have been born into good pleasure but I am not out to please.

Leave me alone, really, peacefully though.

I know what I want in life and also, I know what I have. Don’t think I am you, that I have what you do. That I can do what you can, just because you can. Just because your circumstances allow you to. Just because everything has been under reign.

NO! I am so not unhappy or whatsoever. Just tired.

I am tired of people telling me it’s a waste of time. And people who forcibly want me to subscribe to their route to success.

Let me take back my words, I am not okay. In a moment or two, you have to fuck off. Or I will make sure you do.

Then again, I know you do.

Just because I am not like you.

Just because I can’t be bothered to please you.

Just because I stand by and for myself.

Freedom

by jon laa on April 8th, 2009

Or rather the lack of.

I read the tabloid, my paper, that comes free with the newspaper subscription and was rather disturbed by two articles.

1) Girls should be concentrating on their studies instead of having children, something along those lines, at their teenage years. I don’t see why teenagers can’t be responsible mothers just because the author and the girls at large can’t. My ex classmate wanted to be a teenage mother, not that she was successful at it, and I found that respectable.

2) (Giving up their children after birth or something along that line) is not only a serious offense but a moral issue. Oh wow, and so abortion is a better alternative? And why is abortion not an offense?

There is another article which wrote about how some artists were given free reign to develop something for some mrt stations. And the next line went talking about a board of whoever who will review the art pieces and yada yada. Didn’t they just say free reign?

The reasons why I absolutely abhor reading the papers. Especially in the morning during breakfast. It spoils the day and the appetite.

Observation

by jon laa on April 8th, 2009

I was sharing my thought with somebody about a friend’s insecurities towards bbf and the likes. That friend admits to being distanced from those around him, more like a deliberate attempt than not. The somebody’s conclusion was that he is struggling with it because everybody eventually does need people. Unless they decided to be lord voldemort. I just have to pen this because I would like to look back some time later to see if we/I were right. My guess is his insecurities and inability to withstand against influences.

And I realise my first impression of people tend to be quite accurate. There are times when my first impressions of people are bizarre but what really is bizarre is to find out that my first impression then stood true and everything else was a facade of sorts.

Probably too judgmental, stereotypical, observant and obsessive. Not all that great.

I gagged, literally sans the puke and audio, a few times today in elaine’s school because I was appalled at the behaviour of this person. I guess I am secretly homophobic.

Flawed

by jon laa on April 6th, 2009

Flawed perfection.

I don’t think I can justify myself or my actions, but I don’t think I need to. Not to man at least.

In fact, I wouldn’t go to the extend of calling myself a flawed perfection, even though it will make more sense than to call myself a flawed imperfection.

Blah blah blah.

Mean people don’t deserve kindness. Live your entitlement to your opinion.

By the way, my fingers were amazing in tune today. It helps to put the score aside and let the music soak itself. I like it. Did some works on tone, not bad.

Bummer

by jon laa on April 6th, 2009

There are people like me who repeat old stories over and over again like an old spoilt tape recorder because they are just so good, and so difficult to snap out of. They somewhat contributed to part of our lives.

I watched her try to relive her history in pain. The past is probably better left alone in words.

Did not wake up at 7 as planned, ended up getting out of bed only slightly past 8 before going for a run. Followed by breakfast and some browsing of the papers before I tried to do some weights. Practised. Then jumped and practised. And attempted pull ups.

I am desperately trying to pass my napfa and hopefully do well for it. Thank you.

Probably need to head to the gym, I am going to follow the exercise program found in the booklet extreme closely.

Now it is time to finish the pull up exercises before I can shower and get down to do some schradieck.

Eating

by jon laa on April 4th, 2009

I can’t seem to eat enough.

And kids like me need to learn more about financially management.

It is obvious the crisis barely affected me, and thankfully skipped my family while sweeping the world off her feet.

For now, I should embrace temptation yet resist falling into one!

Enclosed

by jon laa on April 3rd, 2009

Did running shoe shopping today with alvin and dawn, it was awesome. 40% discount thanks to alvin, can’t get enough of those. Bought yet another pair of yellow shoes, the other pair was actually super ugly and not exactly comfortable.

Followed by dinner before heading home. Lots of enjoyable moments and I am going to stick to that alvin is a monkey. If you have met him, you will know he behaves like one. No, no offense and I don’t think he will take any. If you do, I am sorry and please tell me how you end up reading this.

Decided to go against writing about negative stuff. Of course I have my grievances and unhappiness. Like always, life can be better.

Moving from all those, I gotta say I feel too much. Especially for that little lad that is doing fine. But we, or I, see so much more in him than he does himself.

Poor thing, poor thing.

Be courageous, my love.