Depressing

by jon laa on March 29th, 2009

I was mocking at carrie for her liking towards good books, which tend to slant towards depressing themes revolving about love.

Enjoyed twilight a lot, as a read. Just googled and saw the movie poster, the actors chosen were all not according to what I have in mind. Perhaps it was that bad a movie. Getting back to the book, I thought it was a chic lit, or some teenage fiction with lots of love and lots of happy moments. Love at first sight, self-denying love to be exact, but upon further exploitation, it is actually rather depressing.

Luke went for night run with me last night, we got lost amidst the housing estate. Quite hilarious. And he just told me he caught the running bug.

Edward actually took a century, or perhaps a few centuries, before he found somebody who entices him. Putting it in context, I don’t have a tenth of a century to spare. I will like to marry early, so I say.

The relationship between bella and edward is actually pretty ironic when compared against the relationship between renee and charlie. If bella and edward were to live the happily-ever-after conclusion, the stark contrast is pretty much a mockery. Dark humour perhaps. If they were to not live happily-ever-after, the entire relationship will be much of a joke and probably signifies a vicious cycle of sorts.

My friend who read the other three books that follows very kindly informed me that she did become a vampire eventually and they lived happily ever after. Uh, with a kid, no less.

And charlie seems to be stuck in this solitary misery, and seems to be reduced to fishing and doing noble work to find some sort of content and satisfaction in his life. There is this bit of loneliness that revolves around him, from his lifestyle. Upsetting as well.

Fleming, on the other hand, found new love and seems to be waiting to repeat the vicious cycle again.

The purpose of charlie and fleming in the story isn’t entirely that clear. But either way, they aren’t exactly happy people to have around. Fleming displayed signs of compulsive disorder (through her emails) when bella first left her to joined charlie, and it kinda signifies some sort of insecurity. I would think.

Fine. I am thinking too much and probably getting too emotional.

But I took literature!

And the emotional part was probably the reason why I dropped out entirely. And I don’t think I am going to read again. I will stick to movies.

Loves.

Better write it down and get it off my head, instead of pushing it to a later day.

I am starting to grow weary of certain people, and I always weary of that certain type of people. Those who never seem to tell the truth, those who are indecisive. It brings out the nag in me, because somewhat there is no confirmation, no certainty, no assurance that they know what they are doing and they will be doing as they have said. Being colleagues, they are horrifying and condemned. Being friends, they are exhausting and repulsive.

It doesn’t help, honestly, when they readily lie for no apparent reason. And brings about confusion, for no apparent reason as well. Leave the wrong ideas in other people’s minds and never seem to get down to correcting them, at the same time pretending to be all affected.

Give me a break, fuck off.

Of course there are those who are quite close, like never remembering details and always remembering the wrong one. And coming back to me for confirmation when I am not even involved. And also being totally forgetful, like never remembering details. It has been very tiring and I only you realise, but you don’t. And sometimes I wonder why I have so little trust, because there hasn’t been enough certainty from you - I realised. I will like to move on with life without you, but you have been pleasant and a great companion. But you know what? I realise you aren’t whom I can deal with at this point in time. And I wish you would eventually go, and I hope you do.

Probably going on a hiatus in a while. It feels much better to not have to deal with others’ irresponsibilities.

Procrastination

by jon laa on March 28th, 2009

Been thinking about stuff like running. It feels stuck, honestly. Pretty slow, and the amount of distance I can cover is on diminuendo. I cannot explain the choice of word, like diminuendo, it comes when it comes. Going on a two week break, taking it easy. I am hoping to be able to cover 15km comfortably on the friday night runs.

Jumping is on priority now, have plans to jump for two weeks. Then perhaps do more pull ups and weights. Probably need something to balance it up, like push ups or whatever. Gym membership expires in june, I have plenty of time to go.

Did a slight calorie count and have compiled a list of food I should be eating. Like a class of milk or ovaltine provides about 150 calorie, and a digestive biscuit is about 70. Olive oil, 120 for a tablespoon. Bread is about 100 each but french toast is close to 180 per slice if butter is involved, a tablespoon of butter is also somewhat about 100 calorie.

Five-meal days are compulsory, I guess. And I figured I may wanna stock up on chicken breast so I can eat them as small meals. That can wait till next week, you are suppose to increase the calorie intake gradually. There is protein shake, which provides like 100 over calorie as well. I am going to check out weight gainers to see how many calories it contains, per serving, and see if there is any possible recipe for an equivalent of that.

In great need to go little india, sn please take note of that. On a weekday morning or afternoon. Getting some supplies from mustafa and probably also going to stock up on some sundry from tekka market. I love marketing, wouldn’t miss any opportunity to drop by a wholesale market, per se.

Dreading tuition later. Probably going to choke up two hours and get him to do some work. It is difficult to get into momentum after a long break - two weeks - and difficult to continue from where we left of. I almost have absolute interest in reading his essays, which I know will somewhat be trash. It is not always about writing a good one, but actually writing enough just so it becomes instinctive and habitual, of which he is nowhere near yet. Often it feels like a somewhat abuse of trust. Like having having parents who trust I will teach to the best of my ability but very often what I offer is the tip of what I can, which is surprisingly enough to warren distinctions and desirable grades. Perfectionist streak, perhaps.

But either way, I will rather spend my saturday evening in bed lazing around but I know the relatives will be here and I will be dying to leave home then. Going to teach is probably the perfect reason to leave house.

And there are times I wonder what kind of house I have, one where I feel my personal space does not extend beyond the room. One where the space I am suppose to call home is constantly invaded by rightful visitors. Guess what? I dropped the idea of moving already. Few more months and I will be away to the island where my personal space probably isn’t going to extend beyond my flesh.

Long entry, I am whiny and I bitch. But my heart is rooted, as much as I may fluctuate, and my work will be done. That is the difference, get it?

Up.

by jon laa on March 27th, 2009

I can’t sleep even though I am moderately tired. I am happily talking to huishan and lionel, the runner.

Munched on a bowl of wheat pasta earlier on and I am hungry again. Going for some digestives next.

Been talking a bit about my life, I wonder if people are actually interested to hear. I hate to recollect history, because I would rather live in the past if ever I have a choice. My ideal, pretty future isn’t coming just yet, and I know it is going to be quite a wait with lots of hard work.

Of which I have to say I have been lazy. Been sick, good reason to do perfectly nothing. Been on medication which keeps me drowsy enough to take afternoon naps which I am not fond of since primary school days. I adhere to my belief that sleeping is a complete waste of time. But the reason, and perfectly good reason, to not practise cannot be missed, and so, I have been ill for almost and a week and have not been practising. Bad, bad bad!

Um, I don’t feel like writing again. Good night!

Jaded

by jon laa on March 26th, 2009

Nina’s nick on msn reads,

freedom to, freedom from.

I wish I could write more, but my muse died on me. Good day.

Ensemble

by jon laa on March 26th, 2009

There is this exceptional beauty in his music, and requiem that goes,

O death, where is thy sting?
O grave, where is thy victory?

I secretly miss singing in an ensemble. To hear those harmonics form while the conductors yanks his head off. Pick on me and pull me to the first row, right under his nose. Just so he could help me be better. I remember those many kind souls who tried to reassure me it was fine, okay and normal. That he was nothing but a pompous and slightly ignorant soul.

Of course there were others who thinks I don’t deserve to be there. Others who felt I was unworthy of the prestige and was chewing too big a slice of the pie. But I didn’t care, went on and eventually found myself dropping out.

They were memorable good days, as much as we did not have an amicable farewell.

Moving on from that, I will like to one day be able to serenade those works again.

To put things in perspective, I didn’t join to sing that particular work but I ended up being so smitten by it.

The joke of life, no?

Gays

by jon laa on March 25th, 2009

It is somewhat amusing how nobody was convinced brendan is straight until he appeared to be in a relationship one day. I wonder if he had to deal with the gay stereotypes before that.

Looking at my cards, they don’t look too pretty. I am not sure if I want people to think I am gay, it is quite unpleasant already actually.

Gah. I better drop my ideas.

Gosh.

Downward

by jon laa on March 23rd, 2009

Mixed feelings.

Limited patience towards women. It is somewhat difficult to change, be it myself or them.

Dumbfounded

by jon laa on March 23rd, 2009

I think today was a calling from above. Like having said too much of who cares and life goes on. And I having the lesson conducted at the expense of others sure don’t feel nice. There was so much remorse and so much difficulty within.

The idea of life being vulnerable, should be cherished and not be taken for granted.

That a little small minute action, word or whatsoever from us could actually drive about a greater consequence. Even if it may not be a major affair, it was mood-dampening and definitely resulted in lots of inconvenience.

If you ever happen to read this, I am sorry.

And thank you, m, for praying.

Deeper

by jon laa on March 22nd, 2009

There is this little bit about cynics that put me off. There are cynics like me and sn, who aren’t that cynical now. I strongly believe that cynicism is something one grows out of, as much as one may remain apprehensive and skeptical. Fine line, perhaps.

Then come the absolute cynics, who approach people with complete superficiality to douse that complete lack of humanity within their miserable hearts. Gross?

Maybe a new life awaits, I don’t know how are they going to survive the rest of their lives without turning suicidal.

Moving on, manuka honey works miracles.

Fever!

by jon laa on March 21st, 2009

Back with the fever again, I think. Did catch some viral infection, I believe. Going to rest for the next few days. Did run and skate even after catching it. But the block nose cleared up, and fever (I think) came.

But we know what is done cannot be undone, life goes on.

Feeling a little disturbed by my choice of company. There is something distant within, and something artificial and unnatural about it. Then again, it is always the case. Often, we live just to get by and that somewhat isn’t enough for me.

Too many thoughts, too short a life. Like the usual, life goes on.